Maxim Says The Darndest Things: December Edition

It’s that time of month again; for me to buy the magazine I hate after I consume the eighty pieces of pie (with a side of whipped cream) because I’ve browsed the pages full of cute blondes wearing Aerie panties, faux-fur hats, all while riding crotch rockets.  Come on Maxim, put some clothes on these ladies, I can see their midriff.

While reading Maxim this month, I’m really beginning to believe woman’s magazines need to mix it up a little bit.  In Maxim this month, they had half naked girls, wearing flannel and lace, showcasing great gift ideas for men.  Are you taking notes Cosmo/Glamour/Allure/whoeveryouare? Slap some men wearing spandex holding a puppy (or a tea cup pig, those things are cute) inside your glossy pages already!

Also inside this month’s issue was a helpful article about ‘How to Stop an Overflowing Toilet.’ Hey, everybody poops, people.  It sounds complicated, but if you’re in doubt just speed-read to the last step: Call a plumber, your septic tank is probably just backed up. Um, yummy.

After page upon page of ‘Battlefield Maxim’ (you can only imagine lots of guns and camo were involved) I landed on ‘What Does Your Kardashian Preference Say About You?’ Naturally, I’m more of an butt girl, so my Kimmy preference means I’m “narcissistic, feel like I’m not good enough, and want someone who looks really good but doesn’t threaten my ego.” Well sh*t, I changed my mind – I like Khloe.

Finally, I came across a little helpful feature for dudes called ‘Man vs. Holidays.’ The article instructed men to grab a broom, some booze, and throw a kick-butt holiday par-tay.

The advice was cute, but coming from a woman, it’s only natural to make a little fun.  After all, the Maxim advice came from our male counterpart.  Let’s see what he had to say.

Maxim Says: I advocate buying some scented candles for the bathroom. It’ll not only make your guests feel less conscious about dropping a deuce, but it’s comforting. Go for autumnal colors and aromas.  And spread them around.

Brittany Says: What’s with Maxim and buying scented candles to ‘set the mood’ for any/every household activity?  I mean, I’m all about making any sh*t situation comfortable, but not if I’m going to light my ass on fire.

Maxim Says: Pick up some cheap decorations; wreaths, menorahs, pine-cones, dreidels, acorns, fake leaves.

Brittany Says: Wreaths, I understand.  But pine-cones, fake leaves, and acorns?  What kind of nest are we building here, people?  We don’t live in a tree, and the last time I checked – I wasn’t shoving nuts in my mouth for later…hmmm.

Maxim Says: An even better investment is a digital picture frame. Work in photos from previous holidays, “Oh my God, that’s Aunt Gertie’s birthday? It was so funny when she popped out of the cake!”

Brittany Says: I always thought digital picture frames were cheesy and ridiculous.  Why don’t you just open up your laptop and let the live stream of pictures from your iphoto roll freely.  “Oh my God, that’s Little Bobby making out with a girl dressed up as Little Bo Peep Show!”

Maxim Says: It’s time to do host/cook.  For starters, look the part. There are a few things women find sexier than a man in a shirt and tie with the sleeves rolled up and an around his waist running the show.

Brittany Says: Even better, wear an apron with pink cupcakes and butterflies on it.  There are a few things woman find not sexier than letting your freak-lady-like-flag fly.

Maxim Says: If you still some energy it’s time to hit the town. The holidays mean going out with your old high school buddies. The first thing to remember is there is no such thing as bad press, so invite your buddies over and have them sample all your food.  Because at the bar  you can always go, “Dude, how good was my brisket?” Now you have a marketing director.

Brittany Says: You have to be careful with this one.  Girls may think ‘brisket’ is code for something else. There may be no such thing as bad press, but there is such thing as gay press.

Regardless that I’m making fun – I thought this article was absolutely adorable.  The fact men out there are reading this and dreaming about their life as a manly Martha Stewart is a delicate, cute, flower. Keep up the nice work boys!

Candy Dish: Stuffed Like a Turkey
Candy Dish: Stuffed Like a Turkey
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