Gossip Girl: Thanksgiving Is Depressing on the UES

"I came as fast as I could...in my hooker boots!"

Alright GG minions, fill in the blank:

Gossip Girl was depressing this week because ____.”

If you can’t think of anything at the top of your head, I’ve got it.  Gossip Girl was depressing this week because 80% of the episode took place in a hospital, 10% in rehab, and the final 10% in jail.  And all along I thought Thanksgiving was only about pies and tradition (and awkwardly avoiding drunk Uncle Steve), but what do I know?

Despite my previous attempt (and some damn good ideas, if I do say so myself), Gossip Girl producers did not hear my ‘let’s change Gossip Girl once and for all’ desperate call.  I had hope for them, I really did.  And now I’m left binge eating an entire bowl of popcorn and sitting in my family room more frustrated than I was when I sat down last week to get some GG and discovered there was no episode. Talk about a waste of perfectly good cookie dough…. Anyways, this was the most depressing, non-satisfying episode EVER.  I didn’t even get a chance to marvel at Serena’s amazing attire because she was wearing a green knit robe the entire episode. And with that hair she looked like a character out of ‘Where the Wild Things Are.’  While Lily is done being punished by Serena’s antics, I’m just about DONE wasting an hour of my Monday, only to find out Juliet lounges around her dirty loft in a mini-dress with a hole in the back and the dude playing her “brother” Ben is a terrible actor.

However,  I would like to take a moment to thank the Upper East Side heavens Dan is thriving in Movember.  Dude was smokin’ last night. His jaw bone was the only thing that kept me captive on my couch for the entire episode.

Since it was one of those typical disastrous Thanksgiving episodes Gossip Girl is infamous for, and the classic “family-time” one-liners were flying, I decided it would be only proper to take the time to reminisce and appreciate some of the more memorable and awesome quotes from last night’s episode.  That’s what the day after Thanksgiving is for after all, am I right? Talking smack about your relatives….

Just my family?

Oh. Well, let’s do this anyway.

“If Bruce and Demi can do it, run-ins can’t be that difficult” -Blair
Word, sista. You do always have the best lines of the show. But, that being said, I would much rather you two have your lips run in to one another in Chuck’s limo.  I was so sad about the lack of Chuck/Blair love that I allowed myself to eat another slice of pumpkin pie. (Which means I polished off the damn thing.) So much for that two-hour wedding special (or Victoria’s Secret bikini bod) I’ve been waiting for…

“I’ve baked you an apple pie with a file inside. Happy Thanksgiving brother.” -Juliet
WTF, Juliet? She is one crazy lady. Like she could bake in that tiny studio of hers! I am dying for Blair to sink her claws into her.  I don’t even have words for this woman.  Serena is in rehab, Vanessa is roaming the streets with no family, Dan is making out with his step-sister again, Nate is doing the Dr.Phil with his parents; what has she done to the Upper East side!?  She made Lily cry!  Just leave already, biatch. And take your outlet mall dresses with you!

“Serena is a troubled young woman Dan, not just the pretty girl at the party.” -Lily
“And she’s your step-sister.” How does no one ever mention that? But anyways, shut up Lily. Dan isn’t listening. Serena’s stepbrother obviously knows her kissing style best.  He always has, he always will.

“How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass?” -Blair
Can Blair just be my BFF already?  This girl is unstoppable and amazing.  I’m going to be sad when Little J goes back to her mama’s by herself because she brings out the feisty side in Blair I love.  By the way, every scene where Jenny had to walk past a group of people, I went into a fit of laughter.  She looks like an angry, gothic little gremlin hooker wherever she goes. I can never be 100% sure, but that’s not a new trend from NY Fashion Week, right?

“I’m a firm believer people should pay for what they’ve done.” -Juliet
Ugh! Enough already, you rat.

“What do you say we do ourselves some frontier justice and find that b*tch.” -Blair
Yes!  This quote was my ultimate favorite of the entire night.  Maybe Chuck can’t be Blair’s friend right now, but I sure would love to be!  When push comes to shove, you’re going to want Blair on your side.  Meow.  I can’t wait until the next episode so Blair can pull Juliet’s hair just like Snookie and the Jersey Shore dump.  It could go down in a jail cell, or a gala…whatever.

“Did you know at one time, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday?” -Lily
It’s too bad Lily and Rufus have two daughters they can’t control. Maybe if they could they wouldn’t be eating take-out french fries (in a rehab facility) every year. Which reminds me…I wonder what LiLo did for Thanksgiving….

I hoped you learned a lesson this week, Gossip Girl fan club.  Remember, as long as the check arrives every month, the past stays the past. Man, I’m glad Lily is not my mother.

(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

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