We are long past the days in high school when you would have to run home from the mall to make it by curfew. The days when you would run into your house, wipe the sweat beads off of your forehead, and go play Sims for the remainder of the evening.
When you were young, the time you got home didn’t mean anything (well besides how many kids you were going to have on The Sims). But nowadays, the time you turn in during college says a lot about you and your night.
Did you have one too many drinks during happy hour and now you need a nap? Or are you a true party animal that is going to defy scientific research on how much sleep a human being needs and stay up for 72 hours straight? (Thanks, Four Loko!)
Let’s think of this like your ‘drunken horoscope.’ Screw your sign; what does your turning in time say about you?
You have a test tomorrow or maybe a 19-page final paper to write by midnight. You’re tired, you’re cranky, your hamster just died. No matter what the excuse, you’ve made it clear that you’re not in the mood to have fun tonight. So after sipping on a warm beer for an hour, you leave the party with hopes that ABC Family will have a good movie playing.
You are a feisty one. You have hope. Even though you are completely bombed, you still have the strong-willed fight cells in your flesh that want you to last the remainder of the night. Unfortunately, your friends are smarter than you – and mind over matter does not work in this given situation. You’re pushed into a cab and sent on your way.
You’ve reached the peak of the night, so good for you! However, there were no hotties to flirt with at the bar and you got bored. Like most situations, you just care more about yourself than you do about others. And that is a great thing. Because now, you can resort to your food pantry and veg out for the rest of the evening.
If you leave at this hour, you are living in the moment. Oh also, you and your girlfriends crave Jimmy Johns? Let’s go right now! Let’s get a taxi and just tell him to go right to the restaurant! Wait, you can order a sandwich delivery from your phone? Let’s order right from the bathroom! We must leave to get home on time! Come on, let’s go-go-go! Those sandwiches are so fast you’ll freak! After the sandwiches you decide that a dance party in your apartment is way better, and you’d rather drunk dial your friend who’s studying abroad, and you want to make pancakes right now.
Nothing unique here, you’ve squeezed the juice out of the party like an orange and the bar is closing. You’ve tried too hard to get another (main squeeze) and did not succeed. And now Jimmy Johns is closed, so you have to go home hungry. However, you are not a person that crumples in defeat. You’ve lasted this long, after all. So you pull everything off of your pantry shelves, sprinkle some cheese over it, put in the microwave, and enjoy the nachos.
You are a persistent individual and your persistence has come bearing gifts! Because you’ve roped in a hottie and he’s a no-strings-attached quickie. After a quick make-out sesh at his dorm, you’re already in the comfort of your own bed by 3 A.M, satisfied and sleepy. Your friends admire you for your craft and you admire yourself for getting some…and getting some sleep.
4:00 A.M.- 7:00 A.M.
If you’re turning in between 4:00 A.M. and 7:00 A.M, you’re a spooner. If you’ve lasted that long in your new buddy’s futon, you enjoy companionship and a warm body by your side. Once you finally wake up from drooling on your little bar-lover’s arm, you realize your demise. You jump up from the makeshift bed and rush out of there faster than the vom can come up your throat.
8:00 A.M. – 10:oo A.M.
You are in another county. Taxis are too expensive to even think about getting back to your dorm. You can’t find your pumps. You’ve lost your ID. You’ve lost your cell phone. Your roommates are probably calling the cops right about now.
10:00 A.M.-12:00 P.M.
You are in another state. You are locked up on the top of a roof. You went home with Ashton Kutcher‘s body double (at least that’s what you thought last night….) and you are now determined to marry him. And it’s going to take more than a brief morning to rope him in. You’d better stay for the afternoon.