Sometimes Cosmo really just makes me angry. Not that I’m going to stop reading it, mind you, but mad enough to sigh as I flip through the same ish month after month. Every article inside Cosmo is as predictable as the results of a spelling bee between Mark Zuckerburg and Paris Hilton. I know a Cosmo mag better than I know the recipe for Velveeta. And well, that’s embarrassing for me to admit.
First, Cosmo always states the obvious. This month’s Duuuuuh story? The ‘Stud Meter.’ Oh really? David Beckham in his tighty whities is hotter than Adam Sandler dressed in drag? That’s totally insane, Cosmo! How could 8-pack abs beat guy-liner?
Next, the lady mag tells girls to use sex to keep their man from cheating, like in this issue’s ‘The Moment He’s Most Likely to Cheat.‘ Wait, so you mean to tell me the only way I’m going to keep my man from dipping it elsewhere is to always look hot, wake him up at 5 a.m. to do the hippity dippity, flirt with other guys, and constantly feed him ego-boosting compliments? Anything else, Cosmo? While I understand I should keep my man happy and restrain from getting a butch haircut, should I learn to do backflips from my spot in the kitchen while I’m making him a sandwich and give him an HJ after my third back hand spring?
Of course, there’s always Cosmo’s bat sh*t crazy theories, and ‘Pillow Talk,’ an article sharing your guy’s personality traits based on how he sleeps at night, easily fills that requirement. First of all, these theories are somewhat creepy in that girl-just-got-off-the-crazy-train sorta way. And second of all, I’m willing to believe the reason he’s “covering his head with the pillow” is because I’m running my mouth, wondering, “Does this mean you’re feeling guarded and need more space!? Do you even love me anymore?!”
Cosmo also always disposes a weird man-trait I really don’t care to know about (i.e. ‘The New Male Grooming Obsession’ – thanks for the poll about how men manscape their pee pee hair) and never ceases to freak me out with their dramatic and scary stories about my goodie goodie gum drops (i.e. ‘Are You Running Out of Time to Have a Baby?‘) Seriously? I’m running out of time to get to the movie store and scoop up a Toy Story 3 before they sell out. Stop scaring me.
But best of all, Cosmo loves to talk about sex, love, lust, and all sorts of naughty. And they really pulled out all the stops (and by “stops” I mean “freaky leaky guys”) in this month’s ’60 Hand Free Ways to Wow Him.’ Hmmm, I guess sign language isn’t as sexay as I thought it was….
Cosmo Says: My wife was straddling my face and stretched one leg out to work my johnson with her toes. (Side Note: Where does Cosmo GET these ‘guest man opinions’??? I’m imagining someone breathing intensely over their computer, watching porn, and typing vigorously…)
Brittany Says: In a world where our male counterpart isn’t nearly as flexible and bendable as say, well, us…does this mean we have to do some crazy gymnastic girl maneuvers in bed to make up for that? Making friction (with my uncoordinated toe) in a comprimsing postion just sounds uncomfortable. Besides, the word ‘man’ must be in maneuver for a reason. Why don’t you try it, Doug age 31?
Cosmo Says: Lick on his eyelids and then blow on your saliva.
Brittany Says: I need to understand the appeal in this. I can already see how this would go down. “Hey honey, close your eyes.” And while he’s closing his eyes imagining you whipping out a sex toy or some sexy lingerie, you take a big, wet lick. Ahh girlfrennn, what a buzzkill.
Cosmo Says: On a cold night, I went to my girlfriend’s place. She put my penis under her armpit. It got me hot, fast.
Brittany Says: I think it’s time for someone to get a Snuggie.
Cosmo Says: Biting my shoulder will make me come.
Brittany Says: Thanks, for that. Is it gross that I almost made a joke about my dog? Whatever, I’ll go for it. I wish it was that easy to get Rover back in the house.