Ask Tuffy Luv?! Ask Tuffy Luv: [email protected]
Dear Tuffy Luv,
So I’m a relatively new CollegeCandy reader, but your advice always seems reasonable to me and I’m in a situation that I am finding impossible to reason my way out of. In short, my best friend hates the guy I am hooking up with. But here are the details…
I am a college senior and I recently (about 2 months ago) started hooking up with this guy on a very regular basis. At first, I wasn’t that attracted to him and was very ambivalent about whether or not I wanted to start some sort of somethinsomethin with him. But drunkendancefloormakeout occurred and repeated hooking up ensued soon after. I definitely like him now–and am more attracted to him now that I’ve gotten to know him. I see him nearly everyday because we study together for two classes we both take. And I sleep at his place or vice versa 4-5 times per week. We’ve been on a couple dates, but it still feels very FWBish. I’m not even entirely sure I’d want to seriously date him, so I pretty much have no complaints so far.
BUT here’s the big problem. My best friend hates him. She is generally a very friendly and talkative person. He isn’t. He was very drunk and a little rude the first time he met her, but ever since he has been perfectly civil toward her. He’s pretty shy and untalkative around everyone–and sometimes that can make him come off as a little douchey. Also, she has the tendency to be slightly self-absorbed and ditzy. I sometimes tune her out but have had years to learn how to hide it–he is especially untalented in that respect.
As a result, she has been talking a lot of sh*t about him to all of our friends. She has voiced to me something along the lines of “I don’t like him personally, but you can do whatever you want.” But then she basically tells everyone that she thinks he’s not a nice person and that if he were truly interested in me, he’d be nicer to her. (P.S. It doesn’t help that she is good friends with a friend of his ex. Whom he cheated on once, thus ending their relationship.) And to make things even worse, she has been telling people she thinks I have changed as well. She thinks I just make excuses for his mistreatment of her by saying “he’s not my boyfriend” or “you don’t really know him.” And she can’t understand why I’d continue hooking up with someone who doesn’t quite mesh with my friends. I think a part of it is that she’s jealous since she’s always been the one with a guy in her life, and I’ve always been the single one. This current guy is actually the first guy I’ve ever really had a regular “thing” with. To top it all off, she thinks I’m distancing myself from her because I don’t confide in her like I used to.
To be fair, she’s right about the last thing. Since he is a pretty big part of my life right now, I talk about him a lot. I don’t want to talk about him to her when I know she doesn’t like him. And when I know she’ll judge me for letting things progress physically when we’re not an official couple (she’s more of a wine-and-dine kind of a girl than a casual hookup type). As a result, we barely speak now. We live together so this is a problem. And we are going on vacation together over winter break, so it must be resolved.
I feel it is selfish for her to essentially cause tension over something that clearly makes me happy–especially since I’ve never really liked someone like this before; and also when the only issue is his could-be-friendlier treatment of her. He’s perfectly nice to me. I feel like she has dug her own grave by talking so much crap about him and she should have to deal with the consequences of doing one of those things that friends just don’t do.
I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s 100% right. We are both very stubborn. I don’t want to lose her as a friend over this, but how do I say to her that I no longer can include her in this part of my life without making her feel like I’m pushing her away? Am I wrong to feel this way? Also, do you think there is any way for me to resolve this situation between her and the guy? I’ve already asked him to be a little friendlier to her, but it definitely has made no difference–she is decidedly against him. Please help!! I can’t take the tension between all of us anymore.
-My Friend vs. My FWB
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you like this girl very much.
I mean, dude is an eff-buddy. Who puts their eff-buddy ahead of their BEST FRIEND?! Seriously, you’re thinking about losing the BEST FRIEND over some guy you’re not even terribly interested in dating?!?!?!
Which is not to say you’re in the wrong. Because, giiiiirl, floop knows Tuffy knows how friendships can sometimes get. I mean, you call this girl “self-absorbed and ditzy” and you say you think she’s being nasty about it because she’s jealous. I don’t know her and I don’t know you, so I can’t say who’s actually right, but, either way, I’d say: you’re just not into her.
Well, that’s okay. Friendships sometimes fade. But if you DO really wanna make your friendship last, you have GOT to sit her down and talk to her about this.
First of all, it is SO not okay for a best friend to talk behind her best friend’s back. Girl’s telling everyone she thinks the guy is no good?! Well, who asked her to spread rumors about you!??!?!?! If she’s actually WORRIED, she should come TO YOU. She should keep your name outta her mouth.
Why don’t you tell her how you feel? Really. Look over this email you wrote me. Tell her most of it. (I mean, leave out the bits about how she sucks. Those won’t help.) Tell her you want to make your friendship right because you love her, but you also want to be able to date someone you like without fear of her getting angry at you. If she takes responsibility and apologizes for hurting you, then the two of you can work towards getting your relationship back.
However, if she says YOU’VE CHANGED YOU’RE DIFFERENT NOW I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT TALKING ABOUT YOU AT ALL BLAH BLAH BLAH–well, then, move out.
By the way, eff-guy sounds totally annoying. He sounds like he needs a serious attitude adjustment. But this is so not about this guy. Chances are, dude will come and go. But your friend–well, if you wanna keep her, I’m sure you can. I’m just not so sure you want to.
Hearts & Skulls,
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