This month, as I purchased my Maxim magazine and saw a photo spread of tall and awkward Whitney port looking SO EFFING HOT, I decided something.
I want to be in Maxim.
Actually, I need to be in Maxim. Sure, this isn’t the loftiest goal for a college girl, but the chicks in the magazine look so damn fly, I just have to conquer the world somehow and showing up in a small spread with winged eye-liner, dark eye shadow, and a frilly polka dot swimsuit, rolling around in mud, seems like the best way to do it.
Hey Maxim photographers out there, I photograph pretty well (especially when I’m intoxicated). Call me!
Anyway, let’s get to the issue shall we? Katy Perry was on the cover (again), debuting her seemingly weightless titties. Yum. Happy Kwanzaa everyone. Another article exposed some pretty freaky sexy-time toys, including a Lady Gaga blow-up doll that loves when you ‘poke-her-face’ and a girly sex toy called the Edward Cullen. Let’s just say it sparkles. When is the werewolf edition coming out??
Since Maxim is always a helpful source for man’s utmost problems, a special article instructed men on ‘Secret Sexting.’ On the next page, Maxim included an article about how to treat an open fracture…on a mountain. I’m dying to know, what if you fractured your leg on a mountain because you were sexting? Man problems….
Also featured in the Maxim, was ‘The Big List.’ Did you know the biggest fake boobs recorded this year are 36MMMs. Or that someone could die while motor-boating? Also interesting: the world’s biggest bunny is 4’3″. Move out the way, Snookster!
And here it comes…my favorite article of the month: ‘Rules of Attraction: How to Read Her Poker Face.’ Did you read that correctly, boys? It didn’t say ‘How to Poke Her Face.’ Thanks a lot, Lil’ Wayne, for ruining everything. But the best part of the article was a small snippet on the bottom called, ‘What’s Her Sign.’ So, she’s giving you the green light, but the green light for what?
Maxim Says: Long-term relationship: She orders thoughtfully, nothing that requires eating with the fingers, and she only drinks wine.
Brittany Says: While I understand ‘being ladylike’ is essential in roping in your hunky hunk, I will not rule out first date Buffalo Wild Wings material, even if I’m out with the man of my dreams. Order those wings, drink some beer, and get comfortable. If he doesn’t love you with buffalo sauce on your face, screw him.
Maxim Says: Casual Fling: She doesn’t show too much interest in you. She drinks quite a bit, but doesn’t get drunk. She doesn’t involve you in her real life and never introduces you to her friends.
Brittany Says: When I’m in it for a casual fling, you better believe I get drunk, introduce you to every single one of my friends (and passersby) and touch you in all those happy places. Isn’t that what “casual” is all about?
Maxim Says: One-night stand: She may have an overnight bag in her car or a big purse with a change of underwear.
Brittany Says: Hey, just because I carry a huge sack around for all my essentials (i.e. tampons, planner, magazine, Thanksgiving leftovers, etc.) doesn’t mean I want to hit the other sack and never remember your name.
Maxim Says: Just friendship: She’d visit you in the hospital or in jail, but she never flirts or cuddles with you. She may hang out in baggy sweatpants.
Brittany Says: This is probably all true. Except for the part about visiting him in jail. My best guy friends are all alone on that one.