Ten New Years Resolutions You’ll Never Keep

Unless you’re some kind of superhuman who makes lofty goals and actually keeps them, you’ve probably broken a few New Year’s resolutions in your day. So you should probably just be like me, take the high road and not bother to make any.  But if you’re seriously stubborn and determined to make a positive change in  your life, make sure not to choose any of these…because as we’ll show below, they’re way too easy to break.

I will not talk to my ex. Unless if it’s birthday….or our anniversary…or a Friday night….right? Then it’s only polite to give him a call.

I will not procrastinate studying. Except when there is something way more important going on, like eavesdropping on my roommate’s conversation with her mom. Fascinating stuff.

I will limit partying to once a week. As long as we all agree not to count Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and “special occasions.”

I will go to lecture everyday. Minus days when the weather is bad. Oh and days when I feel under the weather. Or also, I guess, on days when Weather.com says there’s more than a 10% chance of rain.

I will save more money. Unless there is an emergency, like when that amazing pair of shoes is about to get snatched up by an evil, skinny girl with perfect hair. Then it’s just a matter of doing the right thing.

I will not eat candy. Before the dentist. Like the day before I go to the dentist, I will not eat candy.

I will work out every day. But I’ll also expand the definition of work out to include any physical movement. Like bed to couch to kitchen to couch to bathroom to couch.

I will not drink soda. Except when I need a chaser or a mixer or a shot of caffeine.

I will not check Facebook more than once a day. Unless someone tagged really bad photos. Then I really have no choice but to sign on. My dignity is at stake!

  • 10614935101348454