Ask a Dude: Can I Ask for a Second Shot?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Hey Dude,
This is my freshman year of college and before I was really nieve. I’ve hooked up with plenty of guys here, but I had a really fun night a few months ago and the guy and I started talking on a regular basis. He always texted me first and invited me to do things with him or him and his group of friends. I was really excited because he was my ideal guy and I (now regrettably) kept on telling myself he was better than me.

We were hooking up for five or six weeks and I went further with him than I ever have with anyone (not all the way). Talking during the weekdays became really sparse because he was getting “busier” with sports and classes. I was totally okay with it but after one night we spent together we ended up not talking at all for over a week and a half.

I texted him to go get coffee and when we met we talked about how we both were getting busy and we better end this because A. it’s not the right time for a relationship and B. we didn’t want it to get messy as FWBs. I was fine with it being over, but now over a week later I can’t stop thinking about him and how much fun we had together. I really want to see him again and ask if we could give it a shot.

I have no experience with relationships or guy thoughts in general, but I was wondering if it sounds like he’s totally checked out or if maybe there’s still a chance. What’s the best way to approach this? Let it go or ask if we can try again?

Sincerely,
Missing What We Had

Dear Missing what we had,
Some relationships aren’t built like a Timex. They’re here for a few fleeting hook ups. No more. No less. There’s nothing wrong with flings. Flings can be fun and give you what you need exactly when you need it. Like a jelly doughnut. Not much nutritional value but so satisfying when you’ve got the sugar craving.

Hindsight’s a bitch! You’re looking back and wondering if you’ve missed an opportunity. Maybe you have. Maybe you haven’t. Sorry, I can’t offer you absolutes. That’s not how relationships of any kind involving more than one person (or Hell even just ourselves if I can be honest) work. But I think your instincts are dead on: take a shot or holster your weapon.

Has he made it clear what he wants and doesn’t want? He’s made it clear that he’s not ready for anything serious. To play Devil’s Advocate though, he might also not be sure he’s capable of something serious. Thus he avoids taking a risk. Hell, I’ve done it. I’ve also done the reverse and given a chance to relationships that I wasn’t invested in at the start. Such tangled webs…

What matters from your perspective is what you need and want. Is there any harm in asking him to have one more talk? Not really. Just ask yourself a few questions if you’re going to make a stand:

Can you trust your memories? When we look back we tend to idealize the good and ignore the bad. Make sure you’re not.

Do you want a relationship or just a FWB? He’s already made it clear he doesn’t want anything messy in terms of a FWB. Make sure that’s not what you want if you decide to try and get together. When the talking starts you need to be clear of what kind of relationship you’re looking for with him. Or if you’re unclear then that’s what you have to tell him. Of course, since when is a relationship not potentially messy either?

What if he says no? By initiating the tete-a-tete you’re putting yourself out there. That’s an incredibly brave thing to do. Just knowing you’re capable of that act is worth more than his answer, whatever it may be. The flip side is that he has the right to say no and you’ll have to accept his decision. We can’t control the answers we get, only the questions we ask. Make sure you understand the risk.

The best thing you can do is keep things in perspective. You’ve got to understand that if it doesn’t go any further it’s not the end of the world. You’ll meet other guys (based on the track record you’ve provided). You’ll fall for one or more in your lifetime. Even if you meet up and he says yes, that’s not a guarantee of anything. Life changes daily. You change daily. So does he.

Don’t put the weight of your happiness on this one decision. Trust me, you’ll never run out of choices to make.

Tea time!
Lord Dude

[Don’t you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]

5 Must-Haves for a Good Boyfriend
  • 10614935101348454