My mom just dropped me a gchat to ask about my day (we do that), and when I explained to her that I was in the process of hammering out why women are better than men, she aptly responded with, “Hope there’s not a word limit.”
Boys vs. Girls. Who’s got it better? I mean, it should be a no-brainer to smarties like CC readers, but for some reason it’s a question that comes up for debate time and time again. Well, I guess I’ll be the one to say it now. Women, girls, bitches, hoes, chicks, chicas, broads, babes, shorties, MILFs…no matter how you slice it, we’re just better.
For any men out there reading this, I know you’re all fans of a little cold, hard evidence, so I thought I’d present you with the Top 10 Reasons why ya’ll are a little sub-par.
(Oh and Brobible…you can forget your little list on why men are better, because we blow your “10 Reasons it’s Better to be a Guy” out of the water)
1. We can wear makeup to cover up our flaws. You know that weird mole on your neck you’ve been living with? Or that little nasty vein on the side of your nose? Maybe that “sun spot” on your forehead? While you’ve got to let your imperfections hang out for everyone to see, us ladies get to dab on a little concealer and- poof!- back to maintaining the high standards of perfection you demand of us.
2. They’re called boobs. If you’ve got them, it’s time to hit the gym. If we’ve got them, it means free drinks, faster service, and your attention.
3. Man, boners must suck. It’s just this big (if you’re lucky) thing sticking out there that you’ve gotta deal with. And if you’re going to hit me with the “real men can control that sh*t” argument, then universities everywhere must be filled with a lot of little boys. Have you been to a slutty themed frat party? Are you aware we can feel your junk poking us as we dance with you?
4. Running with boobs is better than running with a penis. Or at least that’s what I assume. You see, for women they make this neat thing called a sports bra. And you just put it on and all your mess stays in one place when you hit the gym. But you guys? Damn. I would never want something attached to me bouncing up and down in my shorts with every step I took. Graphic and…just yikes.
5. We can openly cry and you get your man card revoked for even getting a lump in your throat. Even during Rudy. And we know how much you boys love Rudy. When he overcomes all those odds and plays football for Notre Dame, realizing his life’s dream when everyone said he couldn’t do it. Is that a tear I see? Pus*y.
6. We can shave…everything. Meanwhile you’ve gotta deal with that nasty pit hair, that patch on your lower back, don’t even get me started on what you’ve got in your shorts (That’s what she said? Beatcha to it.). As you’ve told us time and time again, body hair ain’t sexy…and guess who’s on the losing end of that one?
7. We smell better. Admit it, you love our body sprays, shampoos, lotions, and perfumes. It’s pretty obvious when we catch you snooping in the bathroom opening various bottles and smelling what’s inside. But get caught with the latest and greatest vanilla scents in your medicine cabinet? Nuh-uh, bro.
8. Who does stuff for you? When we’re in trouble, when we need help, if we get a flat tire, spill our books, or even just need a refill on that Natty Light- you’re there helping us the whole way. You, however, need to possess the necessary skill set to dig yourself out of such situations. And judging by how long it takes you all to put A and B together…f*ck, I just feel sorry for you.
9. Sharing isn’t a two-way street. We want to borrow your t-shirts…fine. We want to steal your fratty baseball cap- no problemo. You want to wear our pearls? Uhhh… Same goes for us watching sports, enjoying “dude” movies, and eating wings. It’s passable. The day you start wearing our slippers, sobbing over The Notebook, and enjoying diet food is the day your bros call you out.
10. Sweatpants. You just can’t rock ’em. There’s not much creepier than a bit of man business bulging out of the front of some cotton fleece pants. Wait, yes there is. When you wear them out in public or, God forbid, move faster than a 90 year-old in them. Because then we reeeeally get to see everything. Women, on the other hand, don’t quite seem to have that problem. And our 8AM classes are all the more enjoyable for it.