Who’s Who: The Ladies of The Bachelor

After three long weeks of reading books, working out and learning how to knit (er….OK, so I was watching RHOBH reruns…), quality TV is BACK. And not only are we getting our old faves back this week (Modern Family, Community, RHOBH), we’re getting some major premieres, too.

Yes, THE BACHELOR IS BACK!

The holidays are over and it’s time to start awkwardly tearing up whenever the old new bachelor, Brad ‘famewhore’ Womack pricks his fingers on a few roses and hands them to the ladies of his choice. And I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be more excited. I mean, come on, tell me you didn’t pinch out a fear tears last season.  I never knew a combination of rose pedals, cheesy love quotes, and a cluster of overly-emotional females could get me so choked up. Especially when baby-faced Jake picked horsey-faced VIENNA.

“I-told-you-so-Jake-you-aggressive-bland-famewhoring-moron”s aside, The Bachelor is infamous for throwing as many curve balls as a Yankees game. Who knows what each season is going to cook up? What sort of twists and turns and hot tub makeout sessions we’re going to witness? The one thing that we can always count on, though: the crazy girls who flood the mansion with glitter and hairspray and fill certain roles every season.  Isn’t there always a chick that gets hammered off of Cabernet the first night? A big slutbucket? The cute, seemingly harmless girl with hush puppy eyes and too much blush? Oh and, thanks to Jake’s season, the tease who ends up hooking up with the camera guy?

So who’s who for this season of The Bachelor?  Obviously I haven’t sat down for an iced latte with any of these broads, but I have spent a good portion of my life judging people based on their looks so I’ve used their pics and bios to figure it all out. Before you grab your bottle (or box – I won’t judge) of vino for the premier, let’s see what Mr. Womack is getting himself into this year…

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