6 Reasons for the Jake and Taylor Split

As we have all heard by now Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift have officially parted ways. (Editor’s Note: FINALLY!) And we all know what that means: in about 6 months we will hear all about it on Tay Tay’s new CD. But until then, we only know what limited information Swyllenhaal’s publicists will share:
“Jake broke up with Taylor.”
“He didn’t like the publicity.”
Blah blah blah.
We get it, it’s not her it’s you. You will always be friends. The split was amicable. Whatever, let’s be real, K? Break ups happen for a reason. So, what could possibly have driven Jakey poo away from T. Swift?
Well I think I know…
Reason # 1: Singing in the shower
We all do it, usually belting out some Christina circa 1997 (Genie in a Bottle, anyone?) But for Taylor…I mean we’ve all heard those live performances; maybe Jake just couldn’t take it. It takes a strong man to hear someone botch “Remember December” over and over again. Maybe Jake just wasn’t strong enough?
Reason # 2: He wanted to be Taylor’s next hit song
Maybe it’s true and he really does love her…or maybe he only dated her so he could break up with her and have a fierce song written about their relationship. Because, let’s be real, the ones about break ups are way better than the love songs (well minus ‘Mine’).
Reason # 3: Reese Witherspoon…
So Jakey finds out Reese is engaged, and goes into a downward spiral that revolves around E! and an endless supply of Cherry Garcia. After a week of crying in front of the TV in his favorite leopard-print Snuggie, Jake snaps out of it and leaves Swifty in the dust as he attempts to get his dear Reese back.
Reason #4: The age difference
9 years HUGE…especially when the younger partner just turned 21. Maybe Jake got a little tired of being asked if his daughter would like another Shirley Temple?
Reason #5:  Stage 5 clinger
After listening to “Mean” one would assume maybe Taylor doesn’t have the best track record with friends. Which Jake also found out when he wanted to hang with his boys and Taylor wanted to hang with him. All the time. “How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days” style. Suffocation isn’t a good look on anyone, especially the Jakester.
Reason #6: Boring
“Oh, you’re wearing your hair curly again? With a sequins dress? Awesome.”
No one will ever know the true story of how or why Swiftenhaal split, well at least not until Taylor lays down some new tracks, but as someone who knows these two well (I mean, Taylor and I are basically BFF), I think I got pretty damn close.

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