Oh. My. Guido.
After a hard two months away from these tri-state tanning terrors, they’ve finally, FINALLY returned. Unless you haven’t noticed our entire crew of juiceheads, grenades and gorillas gracing the cover of every magazine and headlining every gossip blog. OK, so we didn’t really get a “break” between seasons, even Halloween was filled with leopard printed homages everywhere you turned. However, the Jersey Shore crew is officially back in Seaside Heights. We were treated to watching the gang leave their respective homes in New Long/Staten IslandBronxJersey York, pulling away from their townhouses in shiny new Beemers, Benzes and Bentleys like they’re in a rap song… or the opening credits to the The Hills.
And then, we’re back in the defamed shore of New Jersey, fully equipped with shots of flavored vodka,
dirty hamsters (Sorry, Angelina left), whey protein, overdramatic hand gestures, short shorts and, of course, action-packed drama.
The only way to breakdown their return to the premiere Shore house is of course by the most crucial decision upon moving into a MTV filmed beachhouse: room assignments.
Jenni (JWoww), Deena (Potential Gremlin Twin) and Snooki (America’s Sweetheart)
We already love biffles Snooki and JWoww, but Snooki brings along her evil counterpart to expand the gal pal bond in the house. This entire group already seems to resent Sammi, showcased by JWoww’s incredible aggravated sigh upon first sight of Sammi Sweetheart. The girls all fall apart giggling in a drunken humping heap in their room and decide that they’re all best friends forever. Deena is quickly accepted by most everyone (especially Sitch, was she kidding with that Smirnoff sponsored striptease?!), and lets us all know it’s because she’s a total holiday, whatever that means.
However, Sammi immediately shuns and cackles at her, refusing to answer crucial questions about her exact Jersey hometown and Deena calls her an unthinkable slur, prompting a screaming match which I needed a translator for. Deena runs around in straw hats and plastic flowers in her hair rasping in some incomprehensible smoker’s voice. Snooki has red hair and is just her general cuddly squirrel monkey self. JWoww looks on the pint sized duo in amusement and chain smokes in her sweatpants. Some things never change. I personally am struggling with how they’re going to keep Deena from direct sunlight, getting wet and eating after midnight. I mean, aren’t all those things the whole point of going to the Jersey Shore?
DJ Pauly Delvecchio and Vinny
How cute is this little bromance? When Vinny tried to surprise Pauly with the ceramic seagull? Seriously, that made me happier than the realization that this season is already gearing up to be full of fighting. Vinny is clearly ready to get it in and have fun at the shore, but we are shocked to find that he hooked up with our little ray of sunshine from last season, RYDER! In front of Snook! He rebuffs Snooki for a hookup while Pauly D lounges with JWoww and we continue to wonder why they haven’t just gotten together yet. Vinny does some vaguely “awkwardly cute” things, Pauly’s mommy D irons his white tees, no new information there.
SammiRonnie and Mike “The Situation”
Likely the most uncomfortable set-up in the house, our favorite couple obviously takes the room with three beds in order to ensure the most camera time to film the two lying in separate beds near each other and having meaningful conversations about problems that don’t exist. The Situation arrives an hour late due to a book signing and gets stuck with the couple. His forehead is officially stamped “Miserable” by Snooks and he drags his suitcase up the stairs with the enthusiasm of Charlie Brown. SammiRonnie freak out at Diana Deena/Chihuahua, whatever her name is because she sucks at life, too, and Ron avoids Snooki’s accusation of Sammi being a “boring b*tch” as per Ronnie’s mom. Sammi almost recoils from her extreme hand gestures and Ronnie hangs his head in shame. The two continue to attack Nana/Dina/Cooka and we’re all reminded why we watch this show. Oh and the Sitch just makes goofy faces like a cartoon character.
And that’s just the first episode. I need some Ron Ron Juice; this is going to be one so-uncomfortably-amazing-it-hurts-my-heart season. Welcome to the Jersey Shore (season 3), bitches.