Bachelor Recap: The Bar Has Been Lowered

If you’ve ever been the new kid at school, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  It’s when, on the second day of classes, you sit in 4th period English and think to yourself, “I gave it a fair shot and I still hate every single one of these idiots.”  None of the girls are as funny as your old BFFs, none of the guys as hot.  And on top of it all, the classrooms smell like cheese.  WTF, your old school didn’t smell like the inside of a Kraft Singles factory.
What am I trying to say here and how does it relate to last night’s episode of The Bachelor, you ask?  Well, after reserving initial judgments (I waited a week, okay!?) let it be known to all my fellow viewers: I kinda hate this new season.  Of course, I’m not sure if the mansion smells like cheese, but those girls are definitely miserable and Brad’s got an ugly Botoxed forehead.  I’m only going to openly complain just this once (at least I’m going to try), so hang with me here.  What happened to the fun Bachelor seasons?  Where the men were worth the competition, the drama was less contrived, and there were a few people you actually wanted to root for?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still firmly supporting both Team Emily and Team Ashley S.  As far as I can tell, they’re the best (read: most normal) ones we’ve got to work with this time around.   But look at some of the other gems they’re up against: Michelle, the one with the fangs, Melissa (who, thankfully, was sent home this week).  Seriously, was I the only one who could barely even stand to watch the awkward forcefulness of Michelle?  How did she get a rose!?  By demanding to know what Brad keeps in his fridge?  By being a total bitch?  By throwing tantrums and stomping around on her birthday?
It literally baffles my mind as to how Brad gave Michelle a pre-rose ceremony rose.  She’s pushy and abrasive and has funky eyebrows, and if she’s doing dating right, then my personal life is so very, very in the wrong.
And lastly, speaking of dating, was it not the saddest thing watching Keltie cry when she didn’t get a rose?  The poor girl has failed at “regular” dating, office dating, online dating, blind dating, reality dating…  If a bona-fide Rockette can’t score a man with that kind of leg flexibility, then God help the rest of us.
I promise that over the next week, before the next episode, I’m going to try my absolute hardest to see through the poorly matched foundation, all botched boob jobs, and the occasional horrendous spray tan.  These are somebody’s daughters, somebody’s sisters, and a few somebody’s mothers.  The bar has been lowered with Brad and his harem of single ladies, that has been acknowledged.  Now I think it’s in keeping with my New Year’s Resolution (Be kinder, Alex!  Be more mature!) to move on and make the best of what’s left.
As always, questions, comments, snarky remarks — leave ‘em below!

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