It seems like a lot happened on last night’s Jersey Shore. There was fighting, t-shirt time, Karma, family dinner, work, JWOWW’s cleavage, a Sam/Ron fight and smushing. And to top it all off, there were emotional flashbacks to Miami. Holy hell, I need a vodka Red Bull just to keep up.
While it was hard to follow at times (much like Vinny at Karma), it was the perfect opportunity for us all to see how each cast member will be spending their time in Seaside Heights this season. So let’s take a look, shall we?
What Vinny should be doing is sending Snooki daily thank-you notes for telling America how big his Italian sausage is. What he will be doing is taking on The Situation’s role as Smush-master and stuffing anything with two legs and a taco in the “guest room” of Camp Guido. Oh, and while the girls are putting their clothes back on and waiting for their cabs, he’ll go all MacGyver/Sandlot and help Snooki and Blast-in-a-Glass get their ball back.
After getting robbed by Vinny and rejected by every girl in Seaside despite taking his shirt off every chance he gets, Sitch will eventually give in, put down the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and hook up with Deena. In her cowboy hat. Then he’ll cook a lot of meat on Sundays and bagel sandwiches every other day of the week. Obvi, this is all in addition to GTL.
She’ll continue to try way too hard to get everyone to like her, refer to everything as a party (“This kabob is a party,” “Oh, Sitch, you’re such a party,” “Sammi is NOT a party”), and get guys to grind her at Karma by running around telling everyone that she’s the new (party) girl on the Jersey Shore.
Little Meatball’s gonna pee in a bush, poop in a bush, hide in a bush, because “we’re in f**king Seaside, bitch. Let’s go to f**kin’ Karma.”
He’ll be awesome. He’ll tell everyone when the cabs arrive. He’ll drag Snooki out of bed. He’ll put on his t-shirt when it’s the right time. He’ll do everything perfectly because he is perfect and, fingers crossed, have a run-in with the crazy Israeli from season one who’s been camped out in the Shore House parking lot since the crew packed up and left last year (at least that’s what I assume).
I don’t think I’m alone when I’m up praying every night that JWOWW will beat Sammi’s ass before the big security guys can come in and break it up. A girl can dream, right? But really, Ms. WOWW will be spending her summer pissing off her boyfriend, scouring the boardwalk for even smaller shirts and nipple pasties, and trying her damdest not to squash Deena for taking her BFF away….and just being annoying.
Sam and Ronnie:
The lovebirds will have romantic morning drives to church, before returning home to lie on their backs and stare at the ceiling while Sammi talks about how awful everyone is and Ronnie secretly peeks out the window and wishes he could put his boring/clingy/bitchy/never-puts-out-anymore-so-why-am-I-still-with her girlfriend in a chokehold to knock her out so he can actually do something fun for a change instead of telling her to look at him because he’s madly in love with her and she should know that even though he three-way-kissed with some horrid grenades in Miami because he came home and got into bed with HER and not said grenades. Then Ronnie will make a joke about her Fred Flinstone toes and Sammi will go home because she can’t take it anymore, but not before Sammi plays the victim card and makes every person in America want to pull a JWOWW on her ass.
Yeah, I think we can all agree that this is going to be quite a season.
By the way, one question: new girl, what’s in a real boob?