Glamour Says the Darndest Things: February Edition

What’s the deal, Glamour? Is it “your thing” to make all the beautiful women you snag for your covers look stilted, crazy, and/or completely confused? Kim Kardashian is no exception and, truth be told, it took me about 5 minutes of staring at this magazine to even realize it was her. Home girl looks like she just had all of her Louboutins confiscated. Not a good look. (Though I am completely swooning over that La Perla bra and pajama set. SWOON.)
I was stoked to read this month’s issue because, as the cover so loudly proclaims, it’s all about sex, love, and guys, so I knew that this was bound to be a big old hot mess. And Glamour did not disappoint. A solid 90 percent of this whole issue is about what guys think…of everything. Of sex. Of makeup. Of hairstyles. Of relationships. I mean, seriously, can women do anything without thinking about what a man’s opinion is? Honestly, I don’t give a fig what my boyfriend thinks of how I wear my hair, and I don’t think any other woman should either. Sure, receiving lusty gazes from dudes is fun, but it’s even more fun when it happens on your terms, not because you read in a lame magazine that dudes like every single other kind of hairstyle except for the one that you feel sexiest rocking.
However, since Glamour was kind enough to present me with tons of mockable male opinions, it seems only courteous that I tear them apart offer my opinion.
Glamour says: More men would rather have Mark Zuckerberg’s life than Jay-Z‘s.
Jasmine says: Um…more dudes would rather have unlimited Facebook access than have the opportunity to be in a relationship with (uber-goddess) Beyonce? And this is why they can’t have nice things.
Glamour says: More than half of men would not want to take a birth control pill.
Jasmine says: This shiz kills me softly, because I am confident in my assertion that a good chunk of those men also don’t use condoms every time. Contraception: it’s not just for the ladies.
Glamour says: Most guys don’t like big hair accessories.
Jasmine says: Me and my collection of ostentatious flower pins say bite me. I refuse to be 70 years old, reflecting on my life, and wistfully thinking, “I wish I had dressed more like Rihanna when I had the chance.”
Glamour says: Guys dig harem pants.
Jasmine says: I like how we’re supposed to care about what guys think of clothes they are more interested in seeing off than seeing on you. Also, bullsh*t. There is no way on EARTH guys like girls who look like they shidoobied in their pants.
Glamour says: More men would rather be stuck in an elevator with a Playboy playmate than an elevator repair person.
Jasmine says: Boys are dumb.
Oh and PS? Kim Kardashian doesn’t think she’s hot. Discuss.
Likey? Good news: there are so many other magazines that say dumb things. Check out our take on them here.

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