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Dear Tuffy Luv,
I recently graduated from college and moved back home because I got a job offer. Around the time college was ending, I was casually seeing this new guy. We currently live about three hours away from each other and are in very different situations; I have moved back in with my parents and have a serious job, whereas he still lives with roommates and works hard but parties a lot harder.
The status of our relationship is very unclear. At first, I just wanted things to be casual…a sort of “I’ll see ya when I see ya and we’ll do it” type of deal. But now we talk every day and he’ll say things like “I miss you,” which are not very casual activities. Every time I try to pull out of the situation he insists that “I’m his girl” and we should just see where it goes. I know where it’s going….nowhere!! We live too far and I’m afraid that his party boy ways are just too much for me to handle. I’m constantly worrying that he’s going to find another girl and is just keeping me on the back burner.
How do I tell him that he needs to commit or let me go? He says we don’t know each other well enough to commit but doesn’t want to let me go because he insists we’re building a new relationship. Am I just being played for a fool?
— Not So Casual
Dear Not So Casual,
You say: “I know where it’s going….nowhere!!” I love you for this.
Girl, you know exactly what’s going on. I am absolutely sure that you are just writing to me for confirmation. And I’m gonna give it to you:
Boy doesn’t know what he wants. Well, he does. But he won’t admit it.
What he wants is to have a comfortable but not serious relationship with you, all the while having the freedom of hooking up with whoever he wants. He really does like you, but he’s not sure if he loves you, and he wants to keep you around in case he decides, after sowing his wild oats and shoop, that he does. This is not an unusual guy thing. I mean, it’s basically The Male Dream. And, hey, it’s totally fine if that’s what you want too.
But it’s clearly not what you want. You guys are branching off into different paths. You’re starting your career, and you’re ready to start your adult life. He wants…to still be in college. I don’t think telling him you want him to commit or get off the pot is going to work out. He’s just gonna keep telling you what he’s already told you.
And that’s because, well, he’s actually being quite honest with you. He IS building a new relationship with you–just not the kind you want. He DOES like you a whole lot–just not enough to give up his partying.
My advice to you is to tell this guy you like him but you’re not interested in a long-distance casual relationship. (And I’m with you, girl–what the floop is the point of the agony of an LDR if it’s not even likely to work out?! Not fun AND not sustainable–and therefore, not cool.)
He’ll probably be really bummed out and try to keep convincing you to “just see where it goes.” But, like you said: “I know where it’s going….nowhere!!” (SERIOUSLY. I love this. Totally why I chose this question. It should be SOOOOO many people’s mantra.)
Hearts & Skulls,
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