We can all agree that Sam and Ronnie are the most irritating people on the face of the earth. With that said, it’s a welcome relief any time a Jersey Shore episode directs their attention elsewhere, particularly to the living fembot, JWoww. I personally look to JWoww for most social cues, particularly her taste in pasties and the fact that she’s opted to develop a tranny voice with Newports. Those are things that I admire in a woman. Which is why I was thrilled when MTV decided to devote an entire episode this season to her.
Let us also not forget another beloved cast member who we didn’t see in Miami. Um, no I’m not talking about Deena. I said the word “beloved,” not “so annoying she gives us a headache and what the f*ck is that yellow thing perched in her crusty hair?” I’m referring to, of course, the duck phone. I feel that since the Duck made such a great appearance in last night’s episode, it’s only fair that we chronicle this gem of a “very special Jenni episode” based on the calls made on the duck phone… in order of quacking.
First Quack – Jenni calls Daddy Snooks: “Hi is Snooker’s daddy there? Heyy, it’s Jenni… you know JWoww? Just a heads up: your daughter’s been arrested for public intoxication, kay talk to you later!”
Second Quack – Jenni calls Tom (boyfriend):
JWoww: Snooooooki got arrested OhmahGod tequila! Stripper shirts!
Tom: You’re a b*tch
JWoww: YOU’RE a b*tch, I will EAT YOUR SCROTUM
JWoww: That’s why I’m hanging out with my ex… doucher. *Laughs* Wait, are you still there?
Third Quack – Jersey Police calls Jenni
NJPD: “Yo is this Jenni? Can you pick up your daughter Snooki? She’s peeing all over the cell and trying to hump our officers. This is a police station, not a pound”
JWoww: “Yayyy!!” [Purchases “Free Snooki” t-shirt and has it overnighted for filming prior to picking Snooki up.]
Fourth Quack – Snooki calls Snooks’ Dad
Snooki: Daddy I got arrested WAHHHHH.
Dad: I’m not mad I’m disappointed…
Snooki: Dad, your universal attempt of parental guilt tripping will negatively affect me for the entirety of this episode until I bang a roided out Irish man. WAHHHH. Hey, I didn’t lose my slippers on the beach!
Fifth Quack – Tom calls JWoww
Tom: Hey Baby.
JWoww: EWWWW, you again. I’ll talk to you tomorrow I’m busy. LOVE YA DOUCHEBAG!
Sixth Quack – JWoww calls Roger
JWoww: Heehee, hey boyf, what’s going on? Just wondering if you want to go on some boardwalk rides that are totally not safety inspected and like let me casually slam into you while we ride them? It’s not a big deal, my boobs won’t pop, promise, not like that b*tch Heather that you’re not dating, right? Right!
Seventh Quack – Tom calls JWoww
Tom: So, what’s up?
JWoww: Nothing, douche.
Eighth Quack – Tom calls JWoww
Tom: So, what’s up?
JWoww: Nothing, douche. Just chilled with Snooki on the boardwalk. Oh and my ex boyfriend. Tom, me and you? We’re on a breather, FYI.
Tom: Cool, glad I’ve been stuck out on Long Island in some unpronounceable town near Jones Beach tending to your chihuahuas. I’m just going to steal your bed and peace out now.
JWoww: I DON’T DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
Pauly D: Roger that.