Bachelor Recap: Everyone’s Falling for Brad…and I See Why

Brad really knows how to get girls to open up....on the radio.

Y’all, after watching last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I’ve totally had a change of heart.  I think Brad’s a really swell, understanding, sensitive, sweet, in-touch, adorable, witty, intelligent hunk of hot man.

I mean, why else would Michelle stress so much as to give herself a black eye?  (Certainly not for attention.)  Why else would Ashley H. need an estimated five shots of liquid confidence before confronting Brad?  (Certainly not because she’s a sloppy biatch.)  And why else would that random redhead and the girl whose ethnicity I can’t place and “Lisa” who suddenly has curly hair all stick around even though they never get any attention from our Bachelor?  (I’m seriously lost on that one…)

As an attuned and seasoned fan of The Bachelor series, I’ve learned to spot a true catch.  And let me tell you- Brad is it.  Think Chris Harrison over-served me and this is just the cheap champagne talking?  Think again…

The Top Perks of Dating Brad “I Have a Giant Sexy Jesus Tattoo” Womack

1. The Drunk Heart-to-Hearts
When Brad’s around, a full bottle of wine usually is, too.  And what better way to discuss deep, life-altering topics than with a solid buzz goin’ on?  If college taught us one thing, it’s that, even at 36, you’re never too old for beer tears and shameful public admissions.  Especially if you’re cornered on some classy-as-eff wicker sofa and offered an alpaca blanket for your spray-tanned legs.

2. Endless Booze
Did I mention Brad’s quite the wino?  I mean he, like, owns restaurants.  This ain’t no Two Buck Chuck business.  And with the help of Chris Harrison, there will always be a tray of Pinot by the hot tub, in the kitchen, next to the bed, on that grassy knoll over yonder, at your mother’s house, in the limo, in the chopper, at the base of that building you just repelled down, in the Malawian orphanage you’ll undoubtedly be adopting your first child from…

3. Brad 2.0
This isn’t the model of yesteryear.  You’re being offered top-shelf Brad.  The guy who’s done all that soul searching.  The one who cried himself to sleep and ruined a perfectly good silk pillowcase with thousands of needless tears.  The one who has a live-in shrink, for God’s sake!

4. Jamie, the Live-In Shrink
I love Jamie, don’t you?  He’s got that dandy little accent and, bless his heart, manages to not roll his eyes when Brad says…well, when Brad has those charming “vulnerable” moments.  And he just shows up whenever he’s needed!  How does he just know?  Does he sense the emotional turmoil that is besetting our bachelor?  Is there a secret button Brad presses or something?  There’s gotta be a secret Jamie button.  Maybe under the coffee table.

5. Group Therapy
In case you’re intimidated by an oddly somewhat-attractive, possibly-Australian therapist visiting your villa, Brad’s got the hookup on group therapy sessions!  Now, I can’t guarantee that it’ll always be Dr. Drew dispensing the good word, but you can bank on couples therapy, marriage counseling, and family meetings for years to come.  Don’tcha know Brad just doesn’t function on his own!

6. Completely Inappropriate Dates
And if the all that counseling just doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, Brad sure knows how to plan a memorable outing.  Afraid of water?  He’ll have you walking on the ocean floor in a space helmet.  Have a loved one who died in a plane crash?  Well it’s up, up, and away for you!  Hate heights?  Well you’re crawling off the top floor of a skyscraper today!  Don’t even think about having a mature conversation addressing how uncomfortable these activities make you.  That just means you’re not woman enough to handle all that Brad.

I’m super excited to see what other gems we can uncover next week.  Taking Emily, whose dead baby daddy was a NASCAR driver, to the racetrack will definitely bring a tear (of joy and animalistic desire) to her doe eyes.  Can’t wait to see that one!

What pages are you taking out of Brad’s winning playbook?  Leave your comments and lusty observations below!

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