Jersey Shore: The Punch Heard 'Round The Boardwalk

Let’s just say, we were all very, very excited about this episode. We all saw the clip of Sammi Psycho… I mean, Sweetheart, punching Ron-Ron square in his nasty mouth. We were at the edge of our seats waiting for her to leave or some big, climactic blowout…that ended with her leaving So did it happen? You be the judge of this week’s J. Shore Fairy tale.
Once Upon a Time, we are brought back to the greasy, dirty (city? town? state?) Kingdom of Long Island (why God, why?)… the land of disasters and stolen beds. Our heroines, Snookers and JWoww are raiding what Tom’s left in the house. Stealing a BED? Chop his nuts off, Snook! The princesses collect Jenni’s 17 fluffy puppies and bring them back to the Sleazeside Heights Palace.
Amidst all this, Ryder (who should be on the show instead of Deena) arrives before Snooki. Vinny answers the door and it’s “awkward” since he was caught by Miss Snooki fornicating with her bestie. He reminds us of what Snook heeded him: “Do not have sex with my best friend.” Conflicted, Vinny responds, “I don’t know what to do at this point…” Uh, how about don’t have sex with her best friend? The Dragon Deenasaur decides to play Fake Snooki so she and Rrrrryder claim that 11 AM is the new happy hour and down shots of all sorts of mystical elixirs.
Since it is Ryder’s 22nd birthday, what better place to celebrate the momentous occasion than Club Karma, the finest ballroom scene in the land of New Jersey. Deenasaurus dons a tiara made of plastic flowers and “my friend Bjork” (aka JWoww) looks like a castoff from the Swan Queen: Asbury Park Edition. Ronald succumbs to his fatal last words to “Mike’s girlfriend, “Lemme see you get krunk,” and Sammi flies off into a fit of jealous rage, scowling with her ceiling eyes in full force. Attractive.
The Capulets are on guard of their precious Gina, because we all bring our uncles to Karma, while Vinny Montague “or whatever” tries to court her. They all come home for a dignified feast of pizza, wishing only that someone remembered to bring the Ninja Turtles dishware. What a tragedy.
Miss Sammi Scummer is quite intoxicated and accuses Ron Roid of touching other girls. She walks out and Ron decides that he’s just about had enough of Sam’s short shorts and tank tops, hurling them around the room in some hormone (‘roid?) driven rage. Sam returns with a slice of pizza for Ronald and he spits in her face, “I’ve done nothing but take care of you”… but she brought you pizza? This enrages Ron further. “Not a f*cking protein shake….a piece of pizza!” The nerve. The nerve! He dismisses her, “Your tears mean sh*t to me.”
When Situation disappears with two less-than-favorable mistresses, THE GRENADE WHISTLE comes into play. DJ Pauly and Vinny spring into action, warning the village of impending grenades on the shore. Mike, horrified, immediately turns the grenades loose upon realizing they are nothing more than peasant grenades while the Capulets appear in button downs and sunglasses to collect Nicky Duck or Gina or whatever that lady’s name was.
Sammi packs her things, Ronnie and JWoww hold each other in a tender embrace while Ron weeps like a schoolgirl. “I did nothing wrong,” he wails while JWoww assures him that he really is just a great guy. Situation decides to let Sam know of this misdemeanor and feigns searching for a condom that he doesn’t use/need/can’t find in the MTV sponsored megapack that they have in the bathroom, and let’s her know that her man Ronald is talking to Sam. Gasp, horror.
*KAPOW* a punch is thrown straight to the kisser.
Sammi tries to leave, the gang convinces her to stay (not sure why), everyone surprises Ryder with a cake (AHHH!), and Sammi and Ron cuddle and tell each other how much they love each other. Normal. Ryder departs. Bye Ryder? Oh we forgot you were here… wish you were replacing Sam! Too bad she didn’t actually leave!  Snooki and Vin set up a stripper pole and Ron observes, “Coooool it’s like Christmas.” I guess it’s like that. We then discover that Deena likes to bleep Fake Ronnie’s bleep and are horrified by the prospect. Too bad we still don’t know what it means.
Finally, things come back to calm at Karma (which is a bitch, by the way). Sam and JWoww go to the bar together, despite Sam momentarily thinking JWoww is a cocktail waitress and she assures Jenni, “I’m done with the mean bone in my body…” Okay, so why are you still sleeping with Ron? They conclude that they are now friends, Sammi finally cracks a smile for the first time in three seasons and they all live happily ever after.
The End.

True Story: I Have Melanoma
True Story: I Have Melanoma
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