Bachelor Recap: Unknow Everything You Know About Dating

"Alright, ladies. I hope you're excited because I've chosen the most inappropriate and uncomfortable date once again!"

Have you ever considered applying to be a contestant on The Bachelor?  I totally have, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  Think about it.  We’ve all dated before; some relationships simply work out better than others.  The ones that, well, end abruptly usually do so because of some disturbing, long-term scarring reason: you found out he hooked up with his step-sister, he thought you were too “clingy” (ahem…fourteen unanswered texts in an hour is totally reasonable, you were worried!), you couldn’t stand or understand his infatuation with Cher, he thought you had a big mouth (you and your mother are close, you tell her everything and no man is going to change that!), you spotted his mug shot on America’s Most Wanted…  And the list goes on.

Basically, until you find The One, everyone else just isn’t.  It’s hard to remember, yes, especially when there are so many wrong ones and so few right ones.  And in these forgetful moments of desperation, we find ourselves calling 1-800 numbers to the ABC studios and pleading our case for why we’re skinny, tan, and busty enough for a shot at true love.  Ultimately, they’ll pass us up for girls who are skinnier, tanner, bustier, and have blindingly white teeth, daddy issues, and dead lovers.  It just makes for better TV.  But where does it leave us, the real girls who are also oh-so-deserving of a decent man and a little affection?

Well, it leaves us in the hands of the women ABC did pick.  The ones who are given roses, week after week.  We learn from their shining examples and only hope to hone the traits necessary for relationship success.

This week’s episode of The Bachelor left us with a lot to digest (catch up on last week’s episode right here): Ashley S. left the show and our hearts collectively broke, Brad wore a spandex army outfit while performing acrobatics in a musical and our thoughts collectively went to “gay,” Shawntel had a Pretty Woman moment without even having to first put out and our collective presumption was that she must have given him a blow job in the limo ride to the mall.

But put those points aside for a moment and allow us to concentrate on dating lessons some of the women unknowingly imparted.  Let’s scoop up these gems!

Shawntel: She proved to me that I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to men.  Here I thought I was a pretty good conversationalist.  It was my understanding that sunflowers and puppies are safe topics; dead people and vein drains are not.  Psh, did I get taken to school or what?  Homegirl is decked in a Fendi dress eating dinner on some Vegas rooftop, stuffing her face while regaling Brad with the various ways to stuff and preserve a corpse.  A human corpse.  Seven TV minutes into their dream date and she’s offered an early rose, sealing her safety for another week.  Lesson learned.

Alli: So Emily had a mini-meltdown at the NASCAR track because it was the exact location her dead baby daddy had been in a debilitating wreck.  Brad, gentleman that he’s become, was extra-attentive to the tiny blonde’s needs and frequently pulled her aside to make sure she was holding up.  Seems like an understandable scenario, right?  Wrong!  Alli ran her mouth about how everyone has a rough life and how they weren’t receiving “special treatment.”  Oh, the injustice!  Alli just wants to feel more special than the emotionally frazzled single mother.  Tell her she’s wonderful, wipe away her tears!  Uncalled for neediness is surprisingly the way to a man’s heart, because later in the evening she got a rose while other more understanding women were sent packing.

Michelle: Did you know that men looooove it when you tell them, forcefully and in abrasive tones, that you know what they want?  And that actually you know better than they do when it comes to their desires?  Michelle apparently has a Brad Manual hidden under her pillow, because she’s constantly telling him how he should feel about everyone and everything.  And the clincher?  Not only does he buy it, he likes it!  Yup, based on the outcome of this week’s rose ceremony and the previews for the rest of the season, there’s no end in sight for this crazy genius bitch.

Ashley H.: In the end, she beat out sweet Ashley S. when they were invited on the dreaded 2-on-1 date with Brad.  I don’t think it was her teeny tiny eyebrows that won his heart or her generally annoying mannerisms that made her “wifey material” over Ash S.  No, no…I think it was the alcohol-fueled rant she saddled Brad with last week.  It was my understanding that men preferred a woman who could hold her drink and knew her limit, but once again I’m proven incorrect.  Ashley H. really let Brad have it before grabbing him for a sloppy makeout sesh and this week, our Bachelor must have fondly remembered her tequila-scented embrace.  Take note.

What were your opinions on how the girls handled themselves this week?  Did you think the attention Emily got was a little too much?  How about all those amazing, better-than-ending-up-with-Brad purchases Shawntel got to take home?  Sound off below!

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