This Post-Grad Life: Dealing With 'Why-Am-I-Here' Syndrome

[Life after college is different for every single grad. While some might be going to grad school, others enter the real world in attempts to make their dreams come true pay off their student loans. We’ve been following Charlsie on her post-grad journey since September, but now it’s time to check see what someone else’s post-grad life brings.  (But don’t worry – Charlsie will still be writing!) So ladies, allow me to introduce you to Brittany and her tumultuous life after college.]
I have a strong belief that this column is about being extremely honest – even if my reputation as a stable human being is on the line. So, you wanna hear a depressing story? (Note: I think the following confession may have something to do with having to listen to Fergie squak for a ten-minute halftime show on Sunday.)
I woke up this morning at a ripe 6AM to put on my face and go to work. I felt like someone had poked me in between the eyes with a two-by-four and sat on my face the entire night.  I really need to stop assuming I’ll have the energy of a type A spider monkey after going to bed at 12AM.
Anyways, I slowly slithered into the shower, let the beads of hot water run down my face and….cried. I started crying in the shower. Good. Lord. (And no, that’s not me in the pic. I didn’t invite someone in to take pictures of this most lowest of lows.)
Contrary to popular belief, I’m not depressed. Although it may seem that way since I was crying in the shower on a Monday morning, it’s nothing like that. I’m very happy with my life. I’m a very lucky person and to top it off, I’m young and have great hair.
So, where is the crying on command coming from, you ask? Allow me to put on my fake doctor hat for a moment and do a little self-diagnosis. What I have is ‘Why-am-I-Here?’ syndrome, a post-grad condition that starts with a waiting game and ends with a waste of time.
I believe ‘the syndrome’ happens to all of us (at least I hope it does for the sake of my well-being). I constantly put myself in a place where I need to know that what I am currently doing is correct. I need to know that I am in the right place, on the right path, not wasting any time. And all the while, I’m anxiously waiting for that next big thing.
In high school, it was deciding which college was going to help define me. In college, it was deciding which occupation was going to make me happy and fulfilled.  But suddenly as a post-grad, a freakish hole in the system exposes itself.  Suddenly, once school and occupation have been discovered, I’m left evaluating these choices.  Did I do the right thing?  Is this what I’m suppose to be doing with my life?  What if I did this instead?  What if I could do something else?
Options, which seemed so wonderful before, have become the enemy.  There are so many things I can do with my life and the sensory overload makes my feel somewhat alone.  Isn’t that crazy?  How, when I am finally bombarded with choices galore, do I only see the opportunity to make the wrong one?
I moved out of my parents’ house, I got myself a job that I authentically enjoy, and I can’t help wondering if I’m doing the right thing.  I’m constantly questioning myself and constantly waiting to become a person I ideally want to be.  In my head, I’m always a few steps behind of where I imagined I’d be at this point in my life.  I’m constantly questioning myself and wondering if I want something different now, something that’s easier to attain so I can fulfill my goal quicker and find that content version of myself I’ve always craved.
The most frustrating part is that I seem to be waiting to become some ideal, unrealistic version of myself.  I ask, ask, ask, ask ‘what am I doing here?‘  I wait to become, smarter, more organized, thinner, more successful…and all the while, I’m sitting in my shower alone.  Crying into my shower head.  Doing absolutely nothing about it.
I’ve come up with a mind medication (if you will) for my ‘why-am-I-here’ syndrome diagnosis.
In the end, (not to sound like a sappy mess) it is all about the moment.  Rest assured if I focus on that, I will remain happy.  I waste so much time worrying about who, where, and what I’m supposed to be.  And most of the time, it’s for other people – not even myself.  If I focused on the moment at hand and didn’t let moments flash by unnoticed, I think I would be a lot more content.
As a post-grad, I want to stop wishing moments away solely because I want my ‘waiting game’ to end.  Why do I think that who I am will be defined by others on someone else’s clock? Why can’t who I am be who I am right now? I’m ready to stop waiting and asking.  I’m ready to stop letting time pass in order to answer some stupid question.  And most importantly, I’m ready to let my post-grad life truly begin.
See what else Brittany’s been dealing with since graduation right here.

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