Sexy Time: Bedroom Faux Pas

I think it’s safe to assume that after a few years of sexual activity, most people have a few “oh god” stories of bedroom disasters. These are the ones that make it into the “it doesn’t count” category. You know, when something happens that, you know, just shouldn’t have happened.

When you throw two naked and probably a little awkward (or drunk) young adults into a bed together, hilarity and embarrassing moments are sure to ensue. We’ve all experienced it, hell, we may have even been the perpetrators of some unappealing bedroom behavior.

So here it is, a list of the most frequently committed bedroom faux pas to be avoided by everyone. We all know accidents can happen, but let’s do our best to avoid them, shall we?

48 Hour Rule.
I think it’s a pretty fair rule of thumb that no one’s genitals be expected in another’s mouth if personal hygiene has not been tended to in the last 48 hours. No, I don’t think genitals are “icky,” but a good shower seems like common courtesy.

Trash Can Condoms.
If you’re a single lady who is enjoying some NSA booty every once in a while (or a lot, whatever), for the love of all things holy, please empty your trash as much as possible. There is NOTHING sexy about going to throw a condom (or dental dam) in the trash and seeing a previously used one… from someone else.

I can’t say it enough, don’t ever fake it. No one likes being lied to, and a bit of an ego bruise is worth the truth. If it’s not happening, it’s not happening — you shouldn’t feel the need to lie about it.

Business Socks.
You can blame Flight of the Conchords for this one, but dirty socks should be taken off before everything else. If your underwear is off, your socks should be too. Also, as my best friend pointed out, make sure the sock you duct tape into your (consenting) partner’s mouth isn’t the same one you’ve been sweating in all day long. Ew.

A rose by any other name…
It’s hilarious as a scene in a rom-com, but in real life, calling out the wrong name is certainly not so sweet. C’mon ladies, keep the Johnny Depp fantasies in your head, please.

The Blame Game.
Sometimes sexual organs don’t work the way they are intended. Penises remain flaccid and vaginas are as dry as the Sahara. That does not give anyone the right to blame their partner for their failure to perform. Just smile, say it’s not working, and flick on The Office. Or better yet, offer up some no-need-to-reciprocate love. Or do both at the same time — everyone wins.

What are the biggest bedroom faux pas you’ve encountered? Let it all out; we’re here for you.

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