Jersey Shore: See Ya Never, Sammi!

I’m so glad we were treated to yet another episode of Maury… I mean, Jerry Springer… I mean, The Jersey Shore: Sam/Ron edition part 5023. We are finally treated to The Situation’s first (and only) wise words: “Just break the f*ck up already” and we just couldn’t agree more.
Since the entire episode revolved around Sammi and Ron and typically we like to forget them (you know, as if they’re bedbugs or environmental science homework), it’s time we break down this episode and focus on the full-on destruction of America’s Most Lovable Couple since Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt.
ROUND ONE: Situation’s Living Situation
For once, we actually feel something for The Situation. Is that my hangover? No, it’s something new… something I’ve never felt before… it’s like cramps, only worse. What is it? Oh yes, pity. Poor guy just can’t get away from the sh*tshow. However, he does stir the pot yet again, causing Ronnie’s neck veins to pop out. They almost have a full blown kitchen battle (I can only imagine the flung chicken cutlets) but The Situation uses some “voodoo trick” (thank you, Pauly), AKA an apology. The two gentlemen embrace in a bromantic hug, then go play on the un-inspected boardwalk rides. Meanwhile, Deena and Sammi pretend to catch Ron with a girl and take it as a sign to rip shots and dispense their numbers to guys with tattoo sleeves and board shorts.  All is well in the world . Sorta.
ROUND TWO: The Same Conversation
We are treated to yet another rehashing of Miami (helloooo, we watched last season, we don’t need a play by play) and Sammi narrates her insecurities publicly for the seventeenth time in 15 minutes. Ronnie tells her “You do you and Imma do me” which I guess means act like an untrained monkey.
OH HEYYYY ROGER! HOW ARE YA MAN!?  Sorry to interrupt the re-cap, just wanted to shout out to my Seaside boy.
ROUND THREE: Getting Ready
Everyone decides they’re going to embrace Single Sammi and Single “Sick Pervert” Ronnie and take them out to the bar to blow off steam. Yet, of course, we can’t even polish our white sneakers off without some sort of explosion. We get to see Ronnie partake in his most favorite activity: throwing Sam’s stuff around like a psychopath while Sammi scream-cries “I hate you! I hate you!” and flails around like a four-year-old spoiled brat who didn’t get her Barbie dream house on Christmas morning.
Sam and the girls get ready downstairs or cry or something and Ron takes it upon himself  to throw Sam’s bed out on the porch. Yo, seriously what is with these Shore guys and screwing with their girls’ beds when they’re breaking up (See: JWoww and whatever that guy’s name is that she dated two episodes ago).
What we learned: be a woman and man up. Okayyyy.
ROUND FOUR: THE END. PRAISE BE TO DEADMAU.
Finally, after Deena and Snooki, the self-proclaimed meatball dream team, haul Sam’s bed around the house (which is an analogy for Vinny’s sausage in Snooki’s pinhole), everyone makes it out to Karma or whatever bar that looks like Karma. Sammi is clearly drunk and actually looking like a good time, grabbing onto any Guido that gets in her path. Ronnie, looking like he’s about to pop another blood vessel, is dragged out of the club. The two have another fight about respect (because, hello, Ron Ron loved and respected Sam enough to cheat on her BEHIND her back) and Sam decides that breaking her glasses is too much and she’s now finally done. For real. Because he could never get someone like her.
So, Sammi is “rhymes with weaving” (thanks Vinny) and JWoww parades around in some leather bikini while Snooki tries to contain herself. Sam cries again and again and tearfully hugs people goodbye as her town car pulls away. We can’t help but wonder if maybe, for the safety of the home furnishings, Ron should’ve been the one peeling out of the Shore.
We’ll see how long this lasts. I give it one episode.

Candy Dish: Eh, Don't Love the Idea
Candy Dish: Eh, Don't Love the Idea
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