What Your Campus Tour Guide Didn’t Tell You

A while back, I was power walking to my class in a fierce rage.  I was extremely late, like usual, and I didn’t want to deal with any feet draggers/text-and-walkers on my way to class. Lucky for me, I was stuck with a group worse than someone moving at the speed of a lost freshman….a campus tour.  As I gritted my teeth behind them on the path, I listened in on the overly chipper leader in the khaki pants.

“And, there is our workout facility.  It’s just like Lifetime fitness…but purple!”  (Side Note: Our school colors are purple and silver).  I snorted loudly into the cold air; just like Lifetime fitness…but purple?!? You have got to be kidding me. Our campus workout facility was a pile of workout sh*t, and in no way resembled a national, popular facility people actually paid for. Either the tour guide was paid to say that, or he was color blind (it wasn’t even purple)… and on drugs.

Every college student who has been on a campus tour is well aware that those guides are full of silly little lies.  And sometimes, the lies are the things they didn’t even tell you. You know, that whole “lie by omission” thing. So let’s wipe the sleep out of our eyes, lift our heads off of our too-small lecture hall desks, and take a look at the little things your campus guide should have told you:

The Honest Truth About the Cafeteria
“Now, here is our cafeteria – this is a great place to spend a hungover Sunday morning.  But on all other days, the only quality food is a mix between Cheerios and Captain Crunch cereal.”

Why don’t we hear things like this??  If they would have told me how many hungover mornings I would have been spending there, I would have purchased more breakfast passes to the caf and made sure I was there by 10 AM.  And if my tour guide would have told me how much food I’d be jacking, I would have asked for way more Tupperware at my graduation party.

Never to Take an 8 A.M. Class
The 8 A.M. class was the worst thing created since Vanilla Ice’s home renovation show (yes, there really is one).   If I would have known I’d go to class looking like a low class prostitute and scurry home to go back to sleep after (only to never know what happened) I would have opted for the nooner.

The Secret Library Spot
In every college girl’s fantasy, there is a deeply raunchy make out scene in the library with the guy she’s been staring at in her math class who has thick shaggy hair and perfectly worn-in plaid shirts that hug his toned arms beautifully. (What, only my fantasy?) Who cares about the greatest places to study, the best place to find open computers, and the quietest areas in the lib? Let’s discuss which section of books nobody visits, the darkest corners, and a place to get it on in private.

Thirsty Thursday
Call me a late bloomer, but I didn’t discover ‘Thirsty Thursday’ until I was finished living on campus. Shameful, I know. I mean, I got thirsty on Thursdays and never knew there was a place and time to cure myself. If only my tour guide, the guy I was trusting to GUIDE me through my college campus, would have informed me of this longstanding college tradition and explained the ins and outs, like hiding vodka in water bottles, which R.A.s are cool, and which floor is not the substance free floor. Oh, and giving me a heads up about not having early morning Friday classes woulda been nice, too. Just sayin’.

Group Projects
Forget the tour’s big declarations about how few lecture classes exist. If they put as much time into talking about group projects as the professor-to-student ratio, at least I could have mentally prepared myself for the hours upon hours of wasted time coming in my future.

The Stress of Class Registration
The first time I registered for classes, I thought my heart was going to stop beating and I was going to die incredibly young, vulnerable, and without ever traveling to Australia. I was devastated.  Registration is nothing short of a nightmare and tour guides never prepare you for it.  They should tell you where you can get the nearest cigarette, to never register in a lead house (internet is tough), and to keep a bottle of Absolut nearby for when things inevitably don’t go your way.

The Local Campus Bar
Who cares about the night games in the campus gym?  Or movie nights in the quad? Or the book club in the library? Where is the local campus bar so we can dance to Taio Cruz and make awkward conversation with people in our Spanish class?

Book Buying
Hey, all you tour guides out there?  When you pull the future students into a bookstore full of texts and workbooks that cost more than our yearly tuition, help us out a little bit, mmk? Tell us not to buy books we don’t need. Tell us to sell them online. Tell us how much money that can save us to stock up on some Malibu.

To Buy a North Face and Ugg Boots
You will figure it out eventually, but it would have been extremely helpful if I was notified earlier.  God forbid I was wearing a Columbia and my old Target flats to class for more than a week.

What do you wish YOUR tour guide would have included? Let it all out below.

  • 10614935101348454