Happy Presidents’ Day, ladies!
That’s why your classes were canceled today, in case you were wondering. And why mattresses are “60% off TODAY ONLY!” So while we sleep in and high school students get a week off, and the rest of the world remembers all the great things our nation’s leaders have done for us, I’m going to do some remembering of my own, but remembering a bit closer to home…
Remember (see I told you) when you were a little kid and you use to have to write those essays about what you did over summer vacation, what you wanted to be when you grew up, and oh yeah, what you would do if you were president for a day? Well, I’m finally getting around to writing mine. (Because I don’t know what else to do with myself now that I’ve finished my senior thesis.) In honor of Presidents’ Day I present to you, the top ten things I would change if I were president.
Disclaimer: This list is not to be taken seriously. These are not serious suggestions nor are they things I would ever actually consider doing if I were in such a situation of power. It’s just a little bit of fun.
10. Instead of the president’s most trusted advisors the cabinet will include the hottest guys in the U.S. Sure they may not be the brightest advisors a girl ever had, but they will sure make the work day a lot more enjoyable (And I’m sure they’d give quite a few of our past presidents’ advisors a run for their money.) First issue of discussion: who has the hottest abs? Well, I guess you’ll just have to take your shirts off and discuss.
9. Replace the White House bowling alley with a White House spa. Seriously, I mean I don’t know what the previous presidents were thinking. Who relaxes by bowling? Especially with those horrible shoes. Thanks but no thanks. I’ll take a massage table, some scented candles, and a facial any day.
8. Instead of vacationing at Camp David I’ll vacation at Disney World. Why vacation at a country retreat when you can go to Disney World – the greatest place on earth? I don’t know about you, but if I’m gonna be spending a week surrounded by rodents, I prefer mine with squeaky voices and comically oversized shoes.
7. Upon completion of their degrees, college students get their tuition back. My gift to college students everywhere. If they managed to make it through four years of partying hard work and dedication to their studies they deserve a reward. I would know.
6. There really will be a Starbucks on every corner. And of course, the president drinks for free. What? I’d need to stay caffeinated, okay? Have you ever seen me with less than sixteen ounces of caffeinated caramel goodness in my system? No. You haven’t. And there’s a reason for that.
5. Margarita Mondays will become a nationally observed holiday. Okay so maybe margaritas all day wouldn’t be the best idea. But at least a mandatory margarita during a mandatory 5 p.m. cocktail hour on Mondays. It will boost everyone’s mood and make it all the more interesting for those that have to return to work after their drinks. Don’t you think?
4. Add zebra stripes to the white house. Come on. The place hasn’t been painted since 1800. It could use a bit of a spruce up.
3. State of the Union address will involve a rundown of the previous year’s fashion trends. Okay so I don’t actually have a legitimate excuse for this one, but I just think that it would be more fun to go back and pick out the best and worst fashion mistakes of the past year than to discuss the nation’s successes and failures. Not necessarily as productive, but definitely more entertaining. Especially if my Secretary of Style, Joan Rivers, was sitting behind me.
2. My presidential salary will include a special shoe shopping budget. This is totally reasonable. I mean I’ll be attending tons of important functions every week. That will require lots and lots of cute outfits and lots and lots of cute shoes to go with said outfits. And if my budget allows for those shoes to be Louboutins, Jimmy Choos, and Manolo Blahniks, then so be it. I am serving my country, after all.
1. Make CollegeCandy the required reading material for the entire universe. If not for the entire United States population (I’m not sure I want my mom gettin’ this on her Google Reader) than at least for all the college girls out there. It’s for their own good, I assure you.
[Check out Jenn’s other musings-in-the-form-of-a-list here.]