Dear Future Men I Date,
Last night’s episode of The Bachelor made me aware of one glaring fact about myself: Despite what I might drunkenly slur while curled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, I won’t actually go to impossibly great lengths to get a man to like me.
Yes, I know there are desperate moments. They usually come along at 3 a.m. when I’m six drinks in and everyone seems to have a special someone to booty text but me. I’m not above admitting I’m familiar with the scenario, but regardless of how pathetic I’ve felt in the past, there are just some things I will not do for love. Granted the list is long, but darling bachelor Brad Womack has made it clear that some points deserve mentioning. Listen up, fellas, because I’ll never…
F*ck you in a tree house. Especially if it doesn’t have a bathroom, a place to put my luggage, or any walls…even though you have the balls to call it a “Fantasy Suite”. Listen, buddy, my fantasy isn’t to get malaria from one of the million creepy crawlers roaming the African wild. Where’s the nearest Hilton? That’s where I’ll be enjoying an umbrella drink while you fend off the monkeys trying to spoon with you.
Listen to you tell me you love me…while you’re dating two other women. We could be sitting on the comfiest couch, drinking the most delicious wine, in whatever stunning location you choose. You want to drop that bomb on me while the previous night you slept with some fake boob hoochie and the next you’re going on a mission to acquire another tarty slampiece? Sir, that is not how it works.
Eat an iffy-looking foreign feast off a tree stump. You can tell me it’s a three-star Michelin creation, but if it looks like the ground up moist food I feed my dog, all bets are off. Food poisoning is a serious issue, and the worms crawling out of the dead tree we’re sitting on are laying eggs in the appetizers. I’m calling for a pizza.
Kiss a man wearing a safari hat and Tevas. No doubt about it, I just….can’t.
Never did I think I would actually have to lay out such bizarre Never-Will-I-Ever’s, but Brad taught me (and, really, women everywhere) that nothing is off limits on the quest for romance and roses.
PS. And ladies, now that I’ve shared, what won’t you do for love? And how about Brad’s uncanny ability to mess up a perfect moment, eh? What a catch!