He Said/She Said: Not-So-Sexy Moves

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Sex is like ice cream – it’s sweet, it’s sticky and it’s always better with hot fudge and whipped cream. Oh wait, that’s not where I was going with this. Let’s start again..

Sex is like ice cream – everyone’s got a favorite flavor. While some like Cookies ‘n Cream, others like Rum Raisin. And while some people like sex the good old fashioned way, others like to shake things up. Some like background music, others like a little dirty talkin‘. Some girls like a guy who is soft and sensual, while other girls crave hot, tie-me-up-and-take-control passion.

But no matter what we like, whether it’s lying there and enjoying the show or hopping on top for some Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, there are some things guys can do that just don’t fly between the sheets. Or on the desk. Or in the bathroom stall. Or….you get the point:

The Jackhammer (also known as: The Rabbit): Come on, dude. This is sex, not road repair. Whoever thinks pounding a girl’s sensitive lady bits like he’s a jackhammer and she’s a 12-inch-thick piece of concrete should have his penis removed. If I wanted my vagina to hurt for 3 days, I’d take a Spin Class….at least then I’d burn some calories.

Porn Lingo: Dirty talk is one thing; who doesn’t want to hear how hot they are or how much the guy wants to sleep with them? Porn talk is quite another. Nothing makes a girl cringe faster than the words “pussy” and “moist,” and if you want this to end well (read: not with blue balls), you’ll steer clear of that kind of chatter.

Pelvic Exams: It’s no secret that we ladies need a little more attention to our nether regions in order to reach our blissful happy place. (Sidenote: To some guys, this IS a secret that no one’s told them.) I’m all about a little manual stimulation, but I want it to feel good, not like my yearly exam with Dr. Kaplan. That means a soft touch, fingertips only, not going elbow deep to the point that I can feel your hands in my throat. You do know where the clitoris is, right?

Sneak Attacks: Oh really, you think I’m not gonna notice you try to enter through the exit?

Too Many Questions: With all the things a guy can do wrong, it’s a welcome change when he takes interest in what we want. Of course, asking so many questions that we need to pull out a Power Point Presentation and a laser pointer to get things movin’ is a bit of a mood killer. I want to sleep with a guy who’s good at what he does, not a guy who needs GPS directions to my happy place. If we’re doing more talking than doing, I’d rather just do it all myself.

Forceful Direction: Guys like blow jobs. They like them in the morning, in the car, in the shower, in the house with a mouse… We get it, k? We don’t need you pushing down on our heads to send the message. If I want to give you one, I will. Shoving my head down south and messing up my ‘do is not going to increase your chances, bud.

What makes a guy want to go at it alone (well, besides everything)? Let’s see what He has to say.

Oh, and if you’ve got anything to add to the Do Not Do list, sound off below!

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