Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: April Edition

I don’t know if I’ve been watching too much True Blood lately (or if it’s the orange mood lighting in my apartment right now), but Olivia Wilde’s face on the cover of Cosmo this month actually freaked me out. And she’s a beautiful human specimen!  Is Charlie Sheen doing the photoshop editing over at the Cosmo offices these days?  My face is not melting off because I’m looking at this cover, Sheen.  Nice try, though.
As usual, Cosmo was full of shenans (or shall I say “sheen-ans”? HA!)  this month beyond the glitched photo ops.  The first I took the giggles to was a ‘What Selena Is Really Thinking’ list below a picture of Selena Gomez about to smooch the Beibster.  First of all, I don’t care what that cute little adolescent mind is thinking while she goes in to plant one on those cotton candy Justin Bieber lips.  Keep that cute couple off of the same pages where ‘Kinky Sex‘ titles are lurking, OK!? Justin’s mother could be reading!
And in this month’s ‘Sexy vs. Skanky,’ drinking girly cocktails is sexy and drinking binges are skanky.  Obviously, my drunk-ass disagrees. Drinking binges happen to make the bingee look like Lady Gaga‘s next back up dancer.  And that’s totally sexy, right? RIGHT?
Need a guy to toss you a compliment?  Has it simply been too long since he’s looked up and down your saucy set of lean machine legs and popped you a, “Damn girl, you fine?”  Cosmo says to bring your guy to the grocery store where the clerk always compliments your smile ,or the gym where your trainer always singles out your perfect form. Golly gee, why didn’t I think about that before?! Dragging my dude up to the sales clerk cowering in a corner stocking the Saltines just to lemon-squeeze a compliment out of him doesn’t sound desperate at all.
One of the most annoying articles I found this month featured a hot personal trainer giving advice on how to pick dudes up at the gym.  His advice?  Doucher McDoucherton claims that girls that run too fast or lift weights are too intimidating to approach, but girls who flow through the gym casually talking to people and keeping their iTunes at a minimum are perfectly approachable.  Which makes sense, because we all go to the gym to let a soft breeze flow gently against our skin while wisps of our bangs tickle our eyelashes seductively.  Who actually goes there to sweat, breathe like a hyena and look like a hot mess doing it?  Uh, thanks but no thanks, trainer. I don’t wanna end up with a Ronnie-Roid-Rager, anyway.
Another bit of sauced up advice before we get to the good stuff? In ‘Beauty His Picks,’ Cosmo tells us to mix kiwi and bananas together and rub it all over each other’s faces for a natural face mask.  Uh, I wouldn’t do this with a dude if I was stranded on an island with Liam Hemsworth wearing loin cloths….
OK, fine, maybe I would. But still, it’s weird.
But not as weird as Cosmo’s behemoth of a sex advice column this month. Apparently Cosmo thinks no one has any time in their lives these days for sex, so they’re helping us out in a time crunch with this doozie: ’50 Ways to Seduce Him in Seconds.’ One…two…three, let’s go!
Hurry! Before you miss something!
Cosmo Says: Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it ‘What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”
Brittany Says:
I can see already that my lover would be completely thrown off. ‘Oh, honey – you can’t wait to walk the dog tonight?’  Since when did Cosmo immediately assume I was an artist?
Cosmo Says: “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.
Brittany Says:
If I wanted to do the Jersey Turnpike (face down, ass up), I’d go to Jersey. Or a frat party. I really don’t need to butt hump my man next to the produce section (and a mom pushing her toddler in a cart) at the neighborhood grocery store. That’s almost as innaprop as those Bieber dreams I’ve been having….
Cosmo Says: You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.
Brittany Says:
I don’t even know what to say about this.  I am, however, having some difficulty downing this bowl of Chex right now.
Cosmo Says: Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner.  Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.
Brittany Says:
Actually this is HILARIOUS.  If I ever tried to do this with my guy, we would never get past the Kegel Kitchen because I would be too busy laughing my ass off in the Nasty Nook.
Oh Cosmo, how I love thee.
Check out Cosmo’s other ridonk advice here.

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