Bachelor Recap: The Final Rose

Dear Brad Womack,

It’s no surprise that back when it was announced you were going to be our bachelor, I was not a happy camper. You were a repeat offender, having been on The Bachelor once before and left not one, but two girls without a proposal. You seemed needy, immature, and a little slippery- basically the carbon copy of any drunk guy I’d meet on a Saturday night on the sidewalk outside the bar after last call. Except you were sober, I was sober, and I still found you that unappealing. God knows how much I thought I’d hate you once things got boozy in the Bachelor mansion.

And at first, you lived up (down?) to my expectations. How many times did you tell us you were a changed man? For crying out loud you brought your therapist on the show just to prove how “in this thing” you were! Call me skeptical, but it looked like a lot of smoke and mirrors covering up a still-damaged man. The fact that you shamelessly made out with all of the girls, openly spilled your woes in exchange for affection, and quickly developed strong feelings for multiple women made me all the more suspicious of your dedication to a very serious, extremely important, Chris Harrison Approved reality dating show.

Did you not get the memo that the emotional well being of nine out of ten midwestern housewives rested in your hands? Did you think you could hand out roses willy nilly? This sh*t is for real, dude!

But then, slowly but surely, you seemed to figure out how all the madness of The Bachelor really can lead you to a quality reality TV relationship a la Trista and Ryan. (Sidenote: Does anyone remember when Ryan painted a white tiger to best express his love for Trista? Why do these sort of stunts no longer occur? Is chivalry dead!?) You met Emily and we watched you calm her jitters with the promise of a pre-ceremony rose. You frequently asked if she was all right and sought to comfort her at every turn. Sure, you still took two other girls to the Fantasy Suite for a different, wilder kind of African safari, but that’s beside the point. What I’m saying is that somewhere along this crazy adventure you morphed into a pretty damn decent guy. Yes, I said it.

Last night, when you proposed to Emily, I truly did believe that you loved her. The stuttering, the tie loosening, the profuse sweating…gosh darn, it was just so cute! And when everyone got to catch up with you two on After The Final Rose, you confessed to your rough patches. You admitted to your bad temper, Emily shared her anxieties over watching the show, but I still think you’re truly in love. The both of you.

So cheers to a successful season and changing this doubter into a teary eyed, why-can’t-I-find-that-kind-of-love-oh-well-I’ll-just-eat-4-brownies believer! Just like my dreamboat Chris Harrison, I really do wish you two lovebirds (with perfect matching teeth) the best.

What were everyone else’s thoughts on the finale and the post-finale interview? Were you creeped out as much as I was by Roberto’s intense butt chin? Are you pumped to see Ashley H. as the next Bachelorette? Sound off below!

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