He Said/She Said: Sexual Malfunction


[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

“Oh god. This has never happened to me before.”

Yup, I’ve heard that one before. Twice from the same person, actually. I’ve also had one ex propose a trip to Home Depot to rectify the situation. True (and really creepy) story. Being in college where the average night starts with a beer bong, ends with a shot of Jager and has a whole lot of cheap booze in between, I know I’m not alone. Erectile dysfunction (also not so lovingly known to as Whiskey D*ck) is as prevalent as Uggs, overpriced textbooks and porch couches. It’s something that all college women will encounter at one point or another in their lives.

But that doesn’t make it any less embarrassing for the guy whose parts aren’t working, or for the girl who has to somehow rectify the situation.

However, having encountered a limp biscuit a few times between the sheets (and once in a bathroom stall), I have to say that it’s really not as big a deal as movies, stories and shell shocked guys make it out to be.

Look, I know I can’t speak for every woman out there, but I can say that most of the girls I know who’ve come eye to eye with a sleeping dragon don’t get angry about it. We don’t judge the guy harshly for it. We don’t tell everyone they know about it. Oh wait, maybe we do, but not in some “OMG, what a loser! His penis doesn’t work!” sorta way.

No, we accept the situation for what it is. Sure, there are brief moments where we wonder if it’s something we did (“I didn’t use my teeth! I DIDN’T USE MY TEEEETH”) or how we looked when he finally got our pants off (“Should I have gone with the Brazilian this time?!”), and then there’s the slight disappointment of not getting to take the train to Pleasureville. But once those pass we do whatever we can to make the guy feel better….and the entire situation less awkward city for all parties involved.

Why? Because we know guys get all up in their heads when these things happen, and if we don’t assure him that it’s OK, that we’re fine with it, that we still find him just as rawwwr sexy,  he’ll just remain in his head (with a crippled midget) for all future south of the border encounters. And I think we all know that no southern trek is successful with a crippled midget.

So what’s the best way to avoid marshmallow-in-a-keyhole issues down the road? Well, for one, if it’s broke, don’t try to fix it. Continually pulling out all your sexiest moves only to see them fail not only makes you feel bad, but it makes your partner feel even worse. Second, don’t start asking if it’s something you said or did. The guy’s already feeling down and out – does he really have to admit (out loud) that it’s not you, it’s his twig and berries? Instead, just reassure him that it’s OK, that you’re happy to be there with him and that your parts are working so “get down there and show me some love” you know it’s not his fault.

Then play with his hair, rub his back and hope your reaction gets his soldier standing tall the next time you go into battle.

That’s all she wrote. See what he said on CoedMagazine.

When my mom moved me into my dorm freshman year she left me $65 to buy a humidifier. I took that money and bought a pair of heels because I can sleep without damp air blowing in my face, but I can't rock a humidifier with a hot black mini.
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