Glamour Says the Darndest Things: April Edition

Damn, girl!

Wow. Kate Winslet looks absolutely stunning on this month’s cover of Glamour. Her hair, her pose, her Top Model fierce expression (insert three Tyra snaps here…) I thought she she was the pinnacle of perfection when she was in Titanic, but she keep reaching new heights of gorgeousness.

Silly me, I thought that by having such an elegant cover model, Glamour was trying to class it up this issue. But I was so wrong. Between a photo spread of stars in nude-colored bodysuits (my eyes still hurt) and a quiz entitled “What’s Your Guy Type” (um, I thought I was reading a grown up mag, not Seventeen), I quickly realized this issue was going to be as tacky and inane as the rest. However, I totally think Glamour gave me a subtle shout out. Remember a few months ago when I hated on tantric sex? In this month’s “Hey, It’s Ok” section, one of the things that it’s okay to do is “think tantric sex sounds kind of…boring.” Coincidence? Highly unlikely.

But anyway, returning to Glamour…have I ever talked about how dull their style section is? So predictable and uninspiring. Their cover story on “sexy hair”? Four styles – straight, kind of wavy, moderately wavy, and super wavy. So titillating. The makeup tips are usually things I read in fashion blogs…six months ago. And don’t even get me started on their ideas of what fashion on a budget entails (hint: it’s not unusual to see $100 shirts…that’s like two weeks of groceries, yo).

But moving on, I always tend to skim half the magazine and skip right to the relationship section, which never fails to induce a side eye. But this month, everything was so…blah. Key points include: everyone lies about their numbers, guys have disgusting habits, and sometimes when you’re in a relationship, sex gets kind of boring. Shocking ground here, right? Perhaps the most interesting column was “Who Should You Date: Older Men versus Younger Guys.”

Glamour says: Younger guys have been pre-softened by a society that has evolved a lot in the past 30 ears. Women’s rights, gay rights – the younger a guy is, the more evolved he is.”
Jasmine says: Oh, sure, there are guys who may be even more liberal than I am, but I’ve also met (and almost dated – shh, his abs were phenomenal), guys who believe Glenn Beck speaks the gospel truth, actively oppose women having full agency over their bodies, and pretty much dry heave when homosexuality is brought up. Totes evolved, right?

Glamour says: Younger guys tend to be more open-minded.
Jasmine says: Where is this utopia where guys are so chill and calm and go with the flow? Because I can’t think of a single guy I know that I wouldn’t describe as stubborn. (To be fair, I can’t think of a single girl, either.)

Glamour says: An older man never gets boring.
Jasmine says: I’ve had minor dalliances with older men (don’t call me promiscuous – I prefer worldly), and I’m inclined to disagree with this generalization as well. Not only because generalizations are rarely accurate, but also, boring transcends age, gender, and socio-economic class. You could end up with that sexy older guy…who only knows how to talk about the principles of math. Snooooooze.

Glamour says: You’ll always be an older man’s hot young partner.
Jasmine says: Because the kind of man who doesn’t appreciate a woman’s aging process is one you want to date. Also, to flip this around, you could always be a younger guy’s cougar.

Yeah, probably should have stopped at the cover this month. Groan.

To see even more ridiculous advice from everyone’s favorite fashion/lifestyle magazine, click here!

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