After seeing previews showing Snooki doing cartwheels and JWoww and Roger having ‘the talk’, I can’t even tell you how excited I was for last night’s season finale of Jersey Shore. I planned my whole night around it. I skipped yoga to be home to watch it. Hell, I skipped $1 beer night! And what did I get in return?
OK, so I did get to see what JWoww’s dad looks like. Holy hell, that girl was adopted, right? I mean the guy is BLONDE. And PALE. There’s no way they are biologically connected. And I got to see Snooki’s cooka. And Ron’s ugly crying face. And Deena make not one but two grilled cheese sandwiches for Vinny. But that’s it.
Last night, as I sat curled under a blanket with some microwave lasagna on my lap (it seemed appropriate), I couldn’t help but miss the glory days of Seaside. Remember when the crew used to go to the club and beat the beat? Remember when family dinners weren’t awkwardly silent? Remember when 85% of every episode didn’t sound a little something like this:
Ron: “I’m done.”
Sam: “No, I’m done.”
Ron: “You’re a selfish, lying bitch.”
Sam: “I hate you. I never want to see you again.”
Ron: “Fine! So we’re done. I’m going to put my protein powder in the trunk now.”
Sam: ….”Wait. Does this mean we’re done?”
Ron: “Yes. I’m done.”
Sam: “You don’t want to be my boyfriend anymore?”
Seriously, you two, IT’S OVER. PLEASE JUST LET IT BE OVER. Yes, I understand why Sam was confused, seeing as these two break up and make up more often than I shave my legs in the winter (which, now that I think about it, isn’t saying much….), but it’s DONE. And if it’s not, well, one of these two losers better not show up in Italy for season 4, because I will not be watching.
And while we’re on the subject, can we leave Deena back in New York, too? No offense to the girl, but she sucks. (See what I did there? She can’t take offense because I said that I didn’t mean to be offensive. Works like a charm.) I don’t know if it’s her crunchy hair, her obsession with flower headbands or that awful, nagging voice of hers, but the girl brings nothing to the table…. and I still believe it was her underwear with the skidmarks that the boys found in the bathroom. Who knows how her digestive system would handle all that heavy Italian fare?
Let’s just leave season four to the Jersey Shore All Stars: Vin, Pauly, Sitch, Snooks and JWoww. Hell, bring Roger along; he seems like a cool kid. As long as we leave the drama (and alleged salad tosser) stateside, I think we’ll get the old Jersey Shore back. And after this sh*tty (literally) season, I think that’s something we can all get behind. YEAH BOY.