Maxim Says the Darndest Things: April Edition

I’m really happy spring is finally here. Reading a Maxim magazine during those long winter days just made me really cold. I don’t know about you but nothing about laying around in lacy panties and bronzer makes me feel cuddly and warm. But higher temps and the lack of clothing on women that comes with them aren’t the only reasons I’m excited about this month.
April showers at Maxim bring 8,000 women in one bed!
That’s right, the annual sex survey is here!  Maxim is gracing us with thousands of women and their deepest sexual secrets.  It’s slutty and I like it.
Before we get to the good stuff, though, let’s take a look at everything else?  First, Maxim taught us ‘How to Put Out a Grease Fire,’ which was extremely interesting because I clearly would have enough sense when I’m lighting my life on fire to attack it with baking soda and call 9-1-1.  I accidentally called 9-1-1 at work the other day and I can’t find my own mascara in the morning.  Do I sound like the person that would conquer a spreading grease fire?
In the monthly special, ‘Woman With a Tool,’ Maxim provided us with a seriously hammered girl holding a….you guessed it….hammer.  But don’t worry, she’s wearing steel-tipped panties.  Hoo-hah-hum. Clever, Maxim.  Want another gross visual?  Imagine Jason Biggs half-naked with sushi all over his soft, white man-chest.  Or just buy a Maxim and turn to page 46.
After paging through an intense baseball preview for this season and a few more nearly nakie chicks (um, Brittany Snow has some seriously freaky underwear situations going on) I came across a really creepy article called ‘Mananimals.’ Yes – there was actually a profile of a man who thinks he is a flying squirrel.  He has BASE-jumped off the Empire State building and has a special ‘gliding’ ability. Uh. Not sure what to make of this but suddenly everything about my life seems so crisp and clear.  The fact that I fully understand I am a human and not a goatling is enough for my sanity to shine its bright light on my personal clarity.  (What’s a goatling? Well, not to freak you out or anything, but there is actually a guy out there that eats bikes, TVs and coffins because he thinks is a goat.)
But that’s enough of all the weird stuff. Let’s get to the reason why anyone opens a Maxim to begin with: the sexy stuff. And there was plenty of it this month with Maxim’s juicy four-page spread:‘Sex Education: 2011 Sex Survey.’ Let see what people are actually admitting about sex these days.
Maxim Says: 45.9% say the best way for a guy to break the ice is to introduce himself.
Brittany Says:
Pshh, I don’t know bout y’all but I’m sticking to the 1.0% that like a guy to bust in and start singing ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin Feelin.’  Ummmm, hello, where my ‘Top Gun’ fans at? Now that’s how you break the ice, people.
Maxim Says: 0.8% say a sixth finger is the biggest potential turn-off when meeting a man.
Brittany Says:
A sixth finger? Have 8.8% of the people surveyed actually encountered that? And what’s wrong with a sixth finger? I think a third nipple would be far more offensive.
Maxim Says: 8.8% say nipple sucking and fondling bring them to orgasm.
Brittany Says:
Who is lucky enough to receive a little purple nurple attention and end it with an O-face?  Not to mention, 1.8% of this survey said the third season of Glee gets them there. I love Cory Monteith just as much as the next girl but….oh wait, I guess I don’t.
Maxim Says: 7.2% say they want sex (plus foreplay) to last up to 20 minutes.
Brittany Says:
That’s it? 20 minutes is your goal? Wow, people are Facebooking way too much.  Get off your computers and let the clock eat up an hour for that kind of romp in the park.  20 minutes? I set aside an hour of my day to eat macaroni and shop on Rue La La. Whoever said 20 minutes was enough, needs to re-prioritize their personal schedule of life.
Maxim Says: 1.0% fantasize about ferrets, balloons, and a jar of peanut butter during sex.
Brittany Says:
I knew I wasn’t the only one out there.
Wanna see what other absurdities your bros are reading? Get more of Maxim’s goodness right here.

Candy Dish: Mmm A Greasy Burger
Candy Dish: Mmm A Greasy Burger
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