Question?! TOO BAD. No, only kidding. Mostly. Ask [email protected].
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m suffering from heartbreak. My boyfriend is leaving me. Sort of. But only after I left him. Sort of…
Here is my situation: I have the much coveted/dreaded position of broke but oh so sexy older musician’s girlfriend. (He’s 26, I’m 20). My man is a drummer, and a very talented one at that. Before I met him, he toured with a band for a few months around Europe. When I started dating him a year and a half ago, he was (and still is) in a local garage band with a couple friends, playing local shows recording a demo, and not really going anywhere besides that. In other words, he was always broke from spending money on music (which is totally fine), always in and out of jobs and musical prospects, and most importantly, always available to spend time with me!
Fast forward into a year of our relationship and I got into an amazing absolutely time/life-sucking nursing program 7 hours away from where I was living. With my boyfriend’s 100% support, I moved, and since then we’ve been in a very successful long distance relationship for the past 6 months. But it hasn’t been without its difficulties. When I first moved, I was all by myself in a completely new city without my man or any of my girl friends and I couldn’t stop bawling everyday for the first week. (Which was bizarre for me because I am definitely not a crier!) By now I’ve gotten used to not seeing him, but man.. that first week was so bad. And I still get really depressed about only seeing him for 48 hours at a time once a month.
The thing is, we are both extremely supportive of each other when opportunities pop up. I went to Germany to visit my mom (who was military deployed) instead of spending Christmas/New Years with my man, and he didn’t once make me feel bad. We make trips to see each other about every 3 weeks, which is more difficult for me since I have more time constraints, and he never complains. And at the start of this year, he auditioned (and is now playing) for another band where he would get paid to tour with them a couple months at a time, and he told me the times that he wasn’t touring, he wanted to move in with me! Which I was totally ecstatic about, since it would be a good trial run of living together all the
time. But then….of course… another freaking opportunity popped up with another freaking (even more famous/successful) band, except this time, he would be touring (and leaving me!) for an entire year, country hopping, playing awesome festivals, getting paid, partying every night, making memories, meeting people, and most importantly, not being with me on a Saturday night loving me, making me dinner, taking me out, etc etc.
I’m so excited for him, I want him to go, I would go if anything ever popped up like this for me. In fact, I may even get to see him for a month during the summer. But I don’t want to be sitting alone in my apartment with my cats for months at a time crying my eyes out wondering what Brazillian or European girls are making googly eyes at him. And since I’m still fairly newish to the area I moved to for school, I don’t have any really close girl friends to call up on the weekends asking if they want to eat pints of Ben and Jerry’s with me.
I love him so so much, and although this email doesn’t sound like it, I actually am an independent, strong woman, but I still have my needs. It sucks only having real intimacy once a month, and to go from my man potentially moving in part time to leaving for an entire year spelunking across the world scares me. Our lives are pulling in opposite directions more and more and I’m beginning to feel left behind, as I’m sure he felt when I first moved away.. I need help coping, maybe I need a therapist, ugh. I need my man in my life.
Dear Musician’s Girlfriend,
I love you. And here is why.
You ARE independent. You’re living your dream, and you’re doing it in a totally brave way. You’re going for it. And not only are you independent, but, even more importantly, you LOVE someone. I mean actually LOVE them.
Listen up, kiddos. Tuffy gets a lot of letters from people saying they love someone, only to go on and on about how the person ONLY to talk about THEMSELVES. What I like about you, Musician’s Girlfriend, is that you actually LOVE him, which means you actually WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HIM.
That’s love, kids.
Okay, so that’s why I’ve picked your question this week, girl, because I think you two have actually got a shot.
Tuffy Luv hates long distance. Right? I think I’ve, uh, made that fairly clear.
But, in this case, I think you two might actually be able to make this work. Oh sure, you’re young, he’s in an unstable career (Aunt Tuffy’s in the arts. She know how it be.). But when two people really love each other like you two do–hell, you’ve gotta take the chance.
Now don’t go thinking Tuffy Luv has gone all softie or some shoop. Look, here are the reasons:
(1) You guys have already successfully done some long distance. So you have a structure set up already, yes?
(2) You seem to trust each other. Unless you just didn’t mention it, no one has any suspicions of cheating or any desire to cheat.
(3) You guys are both having success independent of each other. This is great!!! No reasons to fight. Everyone’s successful. Everyone’s cheerful.
What you DO gotta do, however, is make some friends. Because, yes, you’re right, it’s gonna be a lonely year.
So my advice to you is this:
-Keep the guy.
-Make some friends. Also, getting a pet is not a bad idea, if you think you can give it enough attention and time.
-Set a schedule with the guy where you ALWAYS talk at a certain time, as close to every day as you can get.
-Plan to spend specific dates together and stick to it no matter what.
And, girl, I wish you every little bit of luck.
Hearts & Skulls,
Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.