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Dear Tuffy Luv,
What’s up!? I love your column; I always find myself in line with your advice and generally agreeing. Well, now I have my own situation and I have never been good at giving myself advice or seeing my own situation clearly so here goes. Tell it to me like it is:
Ten months ago I met the best guy I have ever been with. After a first “date” and a visit from him, he asked me out. We started dating and did the LDR thing (2 hrs away) for eight months; we fell in love and he told me he loved me after three months of dating.
Which brings me to now. We just broke up and it has been so hard. It was somewhat mutual; two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and he brought up something I wrote in his Valentine’s Day card, which was: I can’t wait till we grow up and get to see each other more. Something along those lines. He thought I meant forever but I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead and I just meant when I graduated (two months) and wasn’t working two jobs. Then he said something about how he wants to move across the country eventually and how we probably wouldn’t be together forever. I responded, What’s the point of dating now, then, if you know at some point you don’t want to be with me/break up with me? He got really emotional and I think he was crying and said he didn’t want to break up with me and he loves me.
Fast forward a week later: he breaks up with me for not having enough time for me, which I understand. He has a lot on his plate – full course load, involved in a lot at school, internship. He said he felt selfish but just doesn’t have the time. It’s been a few days now since the break-up and I asked him if we would ever get back together again in the future and he said he can’t answer that; he just doesn’t know what will happen. It’s been really tough and I just don’t know what to do. He said he wants to stay friends. Should I bother? Should I not text him? The days after the break up I did the typical thing of texting him and asking if there was any solution, blah blah blah, to which he just says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and it’s bad timing. Did I blow it by texting him? Right now I’m trying to not contact him to “make” him miss me.
The thing that sucks is he dumped me a week away from my birthday and I know he bought me a present, so it seems to me he hadn’t been thinking this for a long time. Anyways what do I do? Is there something I’m not seeing? Do you think he met someone else? I just want to be with him. Do I keep in contact or will that just hurt more?
I’m afraid if we get back in the future I won’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to my birthday or if he sleeps with someone else, I would be devastated.
I Thought Love Conquered All?
Dear I Thought Love Conquered All?,
You thought wrong.
Not everything works out, kiddo. Guess what, kids? MOST RELATIONSHIPS END.
Look, I’m sorry you’re devastated and all, but the bit about your birthday present kind of threw me. You wouldn’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to your birthday?! THAT would be the reason not to take the love of your life back?!
Well, so. I don’t think this is really worth pursuing. If the proximity to your birthday is really a big enough reason for concern, I’d say this was just not meant to be.
Frankly, Love, you seem a bit immature. This is not a criticism, okay? It’s just an observation. But, I mean, you’re not immature for your AGE. You’re perfectly fine for the end of college. You’re just a bit immature to have such a serious LDR.
It’s hard to break up, you know? It really is. You’re sad. You don’t know what’s next. Maybe you miss him. (Maybe you don’t.) Basically, you’re starting over without a major ally, and that’s scary and hard. Happily, this is easier with LDRs than with SDRs (short distance, suckas). Out of sight, out of mind. Okay, not quite. But at least not running-into-him-at-Starbucks, in mind. Yes?
Stop texting him. Stop torturing him–and yourself. There’s no point. It’s not working right now. If you want to make some grand gesture in the future, you could figure out a way to move closer to him. But PLEASE don’t do this until you’ve waited at LEAST 6 months. After six months, if you are still DESPERATELY missing him (not kind of missing him, not just kind of lonely, but REALLLLLY desperately missing him), then I’d say call him up and make the gesture. But until then, forget about it. The timing ain’t right. The breakup is done. Let things take their course.
My advice to you: Move on. Don’t be petty and try to make him miss you. Don’t drag this thing on any longer. Go out and meet some guys you can actually see on a day-to-day basis. Get to know them. Find a few to date. End up with one who’s actually good for you. Who will make the time to be with you. Who isn’t already planning on breaking up with you down the road.
And, please. If you can’t forgive someone because of the DATE on which they dumped you (or something equally unimportant), it’s probs not made to last. Like, at all.
Hearts & Skulls,
Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.