Glamour Says The Darndest Things: May 2011 Edition

This issue of Glamour was made for summer. It featured three separate cover girls – Frieda Pinto, Emma Stone, and Ashley Greene – all rocking gorgeous beach-inspired looks. The pages were filled with beautiful bathing suits, feminine pastels, and an obscene (but totally acceptable) amount of floral prints.
Naturally, while I was flipping through it, my area was under a freaking tornado watch, so the first half of this issue was great for escapism purposes. It was light on text and heavy on the pretty, although I could have done without the 5 pages of Royal Wedding coverage. I’m not generally one to be swoon over celebrity weddings, but my indifference intensifies when the celebrities are as boring as Will and Kate. Seriously, beyond their hair (what happened to his? How is hers always so shiny?), they are the least fascinating celebs ever. Hit me up when Kim Kardashian finally finds a husband.
But anyway, moving into the second half of the magazine, as per usual, Glamour hits us with the more substantial articles – ones about female teachers being falsely accused of having sex with students (pro tip: if you ever become a high school teacher, never text your students), the scary toxins that are wrecking our hormonal balances (everything. Build thyself a plastic bubble), and an “expose” on strip clubs (some guys want to have sex with strippers and some guys don’t…durr).
Obviously, the goldmine of this issue was The Ultimate Penis Guide, which consists of 6 items all guys wish we ladies knew. So let’s get learning, shall we?
Glamour says: The average penis measures between 3.5-4 inches at rest and between 5-6 inches aroused.
Jasmine says: I think more men need to be aware of this than women.
Glamour says: Most men experience erections in the REM phase of sleep just before waking up. They’re involuntary reflexes.
Jasmine says: I think this is a subtle promo for morning BJs. And, like, I get it. Who doesn’t like receiving head? But, seriously, blow jobs are work. Who wants to do work first thing in the morning? I can barely muster the energy to wash my face before 10:00am.
Glamour says: A healthy penis needs rest after sex.
Jasmine says: Sure. But what does that have to do with his hand and/or mouth? Just sayin’.
Glamour says: The penis is not designed to be turned or twisted.
Jasmine says: Now if only someone would put that memo out to guys in regards to nipples.
Glamour says: Little flesh colored dots around the rim of the penis are normal.
Jasmine says: Oh, god. I cannot keep track of all the things that are normal and are not normal down there. I wish Mother Nature had color coded that shiz for us.
Glamour says: If using your hands, remember the glans (the head of the penis, which has the highest concentration of nerve endings).
Jasmine says: It’s okay not to give the best HJ; they’re passe and in most circles went out in 10th grade anyway.
To see even more funny fun times from everyone’s favorite fashion/lifestyle magazine, click here!

Candy Dish: Don't Just Run!
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