How to Get Them to Stop Asking Questions: A Guide for Graduating Seniors

So…big day is almost here.
You ready for the real world?
What are your plans?
If you’re cringing at the very thought of these questions then there’s only one possible explanation: You too are a college senior. You too are caught between college and real life, trying to enjoy the time you have left at college while also trying to make plans for what comes next. You too are frustrated and upset, and unsure. But most importantly you too are badgered daily, no hourly, about all those post college plans. They want to know everything and they want to know it now. But you don’t even know the answers yourself so how can you answer their questions?
Well, lucky for you, I’ve compiled a list of answers for all those pesky questions you’re constantly being bombarded with. They may not be truthful and they may get you a few strange looks but they’ll definitely shut them up.
1. Do you have a job lined up yet?
Currently I’m mulling over a few different offers. MTV wants me on their new reality TV show. But I’m also really tempted by my acceptance to Harvard Law. Then again can Boston compare to that loft they promised me in Manhattan if I went to work for Donald Trump? Eh, maybe I’ll just finally accept Ryan Reynolds‘ proposal and spend a few months honeymooning with him. What do you think I should do?
2. Whatshisname is going where? That’s all the way across the country. How are you two going to stay together?
Phone sex. Lots of it. All the same. At work. On the train. At night. In fact we have an appointment right now. We’re practicing. If you’ll excuse me.
3. Isn’t that going to be terrible, moving back in with your parents?
Yes, but in exchange for a lack of privacy I get free room and board. Free meals. Someone to help me do my laundry and a place to crash while I figure out exactly what I want to do with my life. If you can think of a better alternative please do let me know.
4. You’ve got a job? That’s great? How’d you manage that?
Slept my way to the top.
5. What are your plans?
I’ve sent in my application to live at the Playboy mansion. If that doesn’t work out I’ll just have to marry rich, which means I’ll be spending this summer googling how to be the best damn gold digging whore out there, you?
6. Can I have your futon? You don’t need it anymore, right?
Sure, you can have it. Just as long as you don’t mind me coming along with it. Because I’ve decided I’m just not ready to leave yet. I just didn’t know how to make it work if I stayed. But if you’re taking my futon that’s perfect. I’ll just crash at your place. With my futon.
7. So…are you going to miss college?
No. Not at all. Not in the least. Why would I miss the place I’ve called home for the past four years? Why would I miss the place I’ve made some of the greatest memories of my life? Why would it even matter to me at all?
8. Ready for the big day?
Am I ready for the big day? I hadn’t really thought about it? Cap and gown? Check. Graduating? Check. Ability to walk in a straight line without falling or laughing? Hmm. Maybe I should practice that. Or at least not drink that bottle of Jack before the ceremony…
9. Do you think you’ll stay in touch with your friends?
Nah. Somehow I don’t think Facebook, e-mail or Skype are going to cut it. So I’m not even going to bother trying. We’ll say goodbye at graduation and then that will be that. Cut the cord, you know?
10. You got a job that’s great? What’s your starting salary?
Millions. I mean megamillions. I work one year and I’ll never have to work again. One week and my college loans will forever be paid off. It’s great. I won’t give you an actual number though. It will blow your mind.
Of course, if none of that works, breaking down into sobs should do the trick. Trust me, works like a freaking charm. And sometimes you’ll even get pity presents!

TV is Ending. Prepare Yourself
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