He Said/She Said: The Confusing Things Guys Do


[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Benjamin Franklin once said (I know, I can’t believe I’m quoting Benjamin Franklin either) “Nothing is certain but death and taxes.” B. Frank was a smart man and he made a good point, but I’d like to add one more certainty to that list: confusion from the male gender.

It’s no secret that guys confuse us. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t need The Dude to explain them to us, or the entire relationship self-help aisle at Barnes and Noble. We wouldn’t spend hours trying to decipher what they meant in that last text message or find a way to ask every single person we knew why he’d ask to walk us home and then never call again. We’d all be blissfully happy and problem-free with our long-term boyfriends who are open, honest and straightforward.

But, alas, as great as some guys may be, they are still incredibly mysterious creatures that continually find new ways to confuse the the sh*t out of us. (Well, not literally. I’m not even sure that’s possible.) And while every day brings more confusion, there are 7 main things about guys I’ll never understand.

1. How they can masturbate so often: I’m not against a little self-stimulation, but I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how frequently guys take matters into their own hands. Literally. Like most ladies, I need to be in a certain mood in order to benefit from masturbation, but guys? They do it when they’re bored, when they’ve got nothing else to do, when they have the rooms to themselves, when they’re studying, when their favorite team scores. Like, seriously, doesn’t it ever get boring!?

2. How they can take everything so literally. When I tell my boyfriend that everything is “fine” and that “sure, I don’t care if you don’t come over and take care of me when I’m sick in bed so you can go play basketball with your friends,” does he genuinely take that at face value and believe it, or is that simply a conscious defense mechanism to rid him of any guilt or wrong-doing?

3. The obsession with girl on girl. Really, it’s cliche and it’s been done. And I just don’t get why it’s the ultimate guy fantasy; I mean, it’s not like they’re inviting the guys to join in.

4. Why they say one thing and do another. If you’re not going to call, DON’T. But don’t try to ease your guilt or delay the bad news by lying to me. How do guys not understand that it makes things worse? I’d rather know now then sit around and wait by the phone for a call that is never going to come. Grow some balls, show me some respect and just say what you mean. Isn’t that what guys do?

5. The pride issue. Asking for help doesn’t make you less of a man. Either does being vulnerable, admitting you’re wrong, or wanting to be in a relationship instead of boning everyone with two legs and a vagina. It’s 2011, so why must guys still play into this whole “macho man” role? It’s pathetic.

6. Their detailed knowledge of arbitrary sports stats. Like yards rushed or batting average or total points in a game….from 1989. How the hell do they retain all of that!?

7. The penis: How do you sit with that thing? Or run? Or walk? What does it feel like to have something just…hanging out down there? I just really don’t understand it.

Now, to be fair, guys aren’t the only ones to blame. Anyone with a pulse knows that we ladies aren’t the easiest people to decipher. Let’s see what we’re doing to boggle the minds of men on CoedMagazine.

When my mom moved me into my dorm freshman year she left me $65 to buy a humidifier. I took that money and bought a pair of heels because I can sleep without damp air blowing in my face, but I can't rock a humidifier with a hot black mini.