Dude’s List: Top 16 Things You Do That Drive Him Crazy

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

Welcome to a SUPERSIZED Dude’s List this week where we take a look at guys’ pet peeves with you gals. We’re not perfect and would never claim to be. For one, we’d get in trouble for thinking such an impossibility or those of us who would think we’re perfect assume it goes without being said (screw you, Bieber!) Regardless, here’s a smattering of the little things you do that we sometimes make bigger in our heads, and sometimes make us long for alcohol.

A small disclaimer: Many of the pet peeves on this list have been corroborated by members of the female gender after initial polling of fellow males. I’m all about thoroughness when it comes to research…

1. An hour to powder
Look, we understand that this (imagine me indicating my face) takes a while to put on. A lot of ladies tend to put a bit more thought and effort into how they present themselves. Fair enough. But between the cleansers, exfoliating, acne washes, acid masks, and moisturizers, the minutes of the day are ticking away and WE HAVE TO GET IN THERE, TOO!

2. Being treated as a purse holder
When you pass the purse into our hands at parties, we feel like an accessory rather than a date. We also need two hands. This applies to coats, shoes that are ruining your feet but you wear anyway because they’re pretty, and small dogs.

3. Never putting the seat UP
Honestly, ladies, is it really so much for you, just once in a while, to return the favor? How about on our birthdays?

4. Crying to win arguments
It’s just not fair, damn it!

5. We need space for our s*it, too.
Deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, and maybe one small bottle of moisturizer (if that). That’s it! That’s all we need! Yet there’s no space? Not on the shelves, in the cabinets, or even ON THE SINK? When it comes to the powder room, all men can relate to Anne Frank.

6. Dressing us like we’re human-sized dolls
Part of us is grateful that you make sure we look like a worthy reflection of you. Honestly. But it’d also be nice to believe you could trust us to have such a thing as freedom of choice, or the mental capacity of a 6-year-old. It’s not the ends but the means we can’t stand.

7. Blackmailing us with sex
IT’S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMN IT! It’s like challenging a mentally disabled amputee to an iron man competition. It’s not an equal playing field and you know it.

8. Having longer memories
We never came up with, and certainly don’t know how to play, the game of: “Remember that thing you said 3 months ago?” And playing it at 3am? That’s a stacked deck if I ever heard one. We don’t even know we did anything to get us in trouble until the average human being would have forgiven and forgotten. Then you strike!

9. Having shorter memories
How does a compromise for you to clean the bathroom while we clean the kitchen, THAT we made 5 minutes ago, evaporate so quickly from your brains? We suspect foul play’s involved…but we can’t prove it!

10. Immunity to Logic
Whatever happened to the power of proof? We could use the Bible, Wikipedia, Cosmo, People’s History of the United States, or a f*cking hot tub time machine and STILL, STILL, you won’t admit defeat. Because you’re not always right but you’re never wrong…it’s a damn conspiracy I tell you!

11. Ruining our eternal karma by forcing us to kill living creatures
Do you realize the genocide we’ve committed against cockroaches, water bugs, spiders, and small rodents on your behalf? Our next lives will be as amoebas.

12. Oversharing
There’s no question we’re playing with a slight double standard, here. Men talk about sex to their friends, too. But it’s a little more general and idealized. What you ladies do…enough said.

13. Mind reading
Seriously, how do you bloody do that? Are you all secretly endowed with the powers of Emma Frost? And by the way, thinking it isn’t sufficient reason to punish. Pre-crime doesn’t exist…yet.

14. Expecting Us To Be Mind Readers
We’re not superheroes, like you. We rely on something called talking to understand what you want us to do or not to do, or if something’s wrong or if we’re doing something wrong. I know it’s archaic but we don’t have an iBrain yet. We’re waiting for the next generation to come out in white.

15. Asking Us Questions With Only One Right Answer
You don’t look fat in those jeans, that shirt, skirt, your heels, or in the buff! Happy now?

16. Dressing Fashion Appropriate Rather than Weather Appropriate
We should just wear two coats when going out. One for us, one for you when you realize wearing a strapless dress in 40 degrees gets old after 20 minutes. But hey, at least you made sure our jackets color coordinated with your dress. And if one of us is going to freeze, well, it’s only the gentlemanly thing to do. Otherwise we’ll wake up at 3am in 3 months and be raked over the coals for not giving it to you. Then we’ll be on sex rations for at least a month and somehow mind read when our bathroom privileges have been restored.

Now that you’re more aware of the little things that can sometimes have big consequences (or at least that these heretofore unacknowledged actions have been put in print), what say you? What do we do that drives you bonkers? Have we the right to gripe about these little eccentricities or should we just shut up and take ‘em like a man?

Opening the channels of communication,
The Dude

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