He Said/She Said: Explaining Women

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

So last week I listed off the 7 things about guys I really don’t understand. At all. Like male genitalia…. why does it always look so….alien-like? The purpose wasn’t so much to have someone explain them to me as it was to get a few virtual high fives from all my fellow confused ladies. But then I saw what left my male counterpart scratching his head (as opposed to the usual, his balls) when it came to us ladies and I realized this topic required further action.

I needed to explain our side of the story. Make guys understand why we do the things we do. Help break down barriers between men and women and change the way we interact forever! OK, really, I just needed to get the last word.

So without further ado, I’m going to explain what guys think is totally unexplainable. Watch out, now!

1. Horoscope/Palm Readers
He Said: “It’s unreal how much girls read into this sh*t. Well, they read into everything too much, but these two pastimes specifically.”

I Say: If you knew anything about women you’d know that about 99% of us don’t care about horoscopes and would never spend a dollar on a palm reader (unless we’re drunk and pass one on the way home from the bar, in which case it’s totally hilarious!). Saying that we all read into this sh*t too much is like saying that all girls love sparkles, the color pink and underwear pillow fights with our roommates. Have you ever actually SPOKEN to a woman?

And as for this whole “reading into everything” business? Well, maybe we wouldn’t HAVE to read into everything if you shared your feelings and communicated with us.

2. Same Sex Hatred/Cattiness
He Says: “The comments and criticism starts as soon as a girl lays eyes on another girl. Oh my god, she’s wearing that dress? Hideous. Those shoes? Gross. Make-up? Whore. CALM…DOWN.”

I say: I really have nothing to say. It’s true. Lots of girls are judgmental and, much like you guys, it’s a competitive thing. When that skanky ass bitch in the leopard mini-dress that barely covers her labia walks into the room, I already hate her because I know that every guy in the room is going to be looking at her. Is that rational? No, but it’s the truth. Another truth? It’s usually meaningless and fleeting. It may seem catty to you, but it’s really just something that happens, something to talk about with our friends and something we quickly move on from. Maybe you should, too.

3. Bags
He Says: “Jesus Christ, ladies. Chill OUT with the f***ing bags! You don’t need all that sh*t on you at all times. You guys already have enough emotional baggage (ZING!), so why add to your stress with 3 bags on each arm?”

I Say: Why the f*ck do you care how many bags I carry or what I put in there? If I’m not asking you to hold my giant bag that’s heavier than a dead body, it’s none of your damn business. Oh and by the way, where would you find lip balm/gum/a pen if it weren’t for me and all my bags, hmmm?

4. Pillows
He Says: “Those pillows serve NO PURPOSE whatsoever. You just throw them off the bed only to put ‘em back on only to throw them back off again.”

I Say: You’re right – making the bed gets really annoying with all those pillows. But they make the bed so much prettier and inviting. And they are perfect to lay on when I’m studying or watching TV or talking sh*t about the slutty girls on my hall with my roommate. Oh, and you won’t think they’re so pointless when you’re passed out next to me and you have a variety of comfy pillow to rest your head on for the night.

5. Shoes
He Says: “Legit, each woman has 1 pair for every f***ing day of the year.”

I Say: You did NOT just go and attack my shoes. YOU DID NOT. What have my 42 pairs of shoes ever done to you besides make my legs look amazingly long and add a pop of color to my going out outfit?

6. Brunch/Tapas/Dining Out
He Says: “Stuff doesn’t make you happy, ladies. My weiner does. (I guarantee women will huff over that last comment. Proof once again you girls have no idea what “sense of humor” means)”

I Say: First of all, if you’re gonna list “brunch/dining out” as something you don’t understand, why don’t you stick to that? Did you not learn the art of making an argument in 7th grade? What does “stuff” have to do with tapas? Brunch isn’t “stuff,” it’s a meal. A good meal. And a chance for us ladies to get together, hang out and talk about you. Why is that so hard to understand? You don’t see me sitting here all confused wondering why you and your bros go to bars to drink beer and watch sports, because that’s what guys do and I am normal enough to understand that.

As for your second point (that I can’t even believe I’m addressing), I know for a fact that your weiner will never make me as happy as the pair of Cole Haan nude patent pumps I just got on clearance at DSW. At least those aren’t attached to cocky bastards who stereotype women and make really poor arguments. (Although, to be fair, they did give me massive blisters the first time I wore them.)

7. Lack of Rationale/Warped Logic
He Says: “This one could be the worst. And part of me thinks it circles back to women reading too much into things. Never ask a women, “Why?” You’ll get the most convoluted, twisted, roundabout answer or a simple one-liner that makes sense to her in her own head but will completely fry your mainframe.”

I Say: There’s a difference between a woman “lacing rationale” and a guy who just doesn’t want to hear what a woman is thinking. Something tells me you’d understand us a lot more if you actually tried.

And with that, I’ve got my panties all in a bunch. And it is not comfortable. Let’s all take a moment to breathe (and pick our wedgies) then head over to CoedMagazine to hear His explanation for the 7 things I’ll never understand about dudes.

Tuffy Luv: Life Lessons From Yo Mama
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