Maxim Says the Darndest Things: May Edition

Whenever I go to buy my Maxim magazine every month, I always end up purchasing random manly things to go along with it.  No, I don’t lift my Maxim from the rack and rush to buy some Gold Bond and a wax cloth for my… car, but I’m almost there. Today, I bought Maxim, skin-on hot dogs and five dollar parachute man-elastic ankle sweatpants. Here’s to expressing your male strengths, ladies! Sometimes ya gotta kick back in noisy pants, bite into a hot dog and read about Socom 4 and Lupe Fiasco.
While doing just that (with mustard dripping on my chest), I discovered something about Maxim and the women in it. Are you ready for this jelly? Here it is: Remember in high school college when all of your friends would make stripper names out of the street you lived on and your first pet’s name?  Well, you can do the same thing with Maxim cover girl names.  All you have to do is pick your favorite Disney character and your favorite weather element.
Mine is Belle Thunder. BOOM.
Go ahead, try it.
After you get a good laugh, come back to me.  We have a lot to discuss about this month’s May-day in Maxim.  First of all, another day, another dollar article dedicated to a girl with cute butt creases saying “I can’t handle a guy that is scared I’m a big eater!”  I’m serious, this is what she actually said. Or didn’t say; how can she talk with a mouth full of collard greens and fried chicken?
Later, I found a pretty hilarious article giving guys the low-down on creating a 5-second beach bod. Maxim’s advice? Strap an ice pack under your wife beater to give the illusion of a six-pack and enhance your nether regions by tossing a paper-towel cardboard tube in your underpanties.  But, Maxim advises to stay clear from the Christmas wrapping tubes as  those may attract horses.  Well thank heavens! Christmas tubes at the Kentucky Derby this month could have been lethal and extremely awkward for everyone involved!
In ‘The Maxim Checkup: A Real Guy’s Guide to Looking Better, Getting Laid, And Living Forever,’  Maxim covers random illegal activities for all the men that want to travel to Switzerland and take a dump past 10 p.m.  That’s right, did you know it’s illegal to flush the toilet after 10 p.m. in Switzerland?  On second thought, maybe that Christmas tube could come in handy…
In an ‘Ask Maxim’ article, I was made privy to an interesting statistic. Apparently, 70% percent of woman who like the taste of beer have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date.  Only 37% of none beer drinkers feel the same.  Wait – can I get a wha wha? How does this even make sense? Are the none beer drinkers drinking Grape Juicy Juice? The last time I checked, tequila makes the clothes fall off far faster than beer. I mean, just because a chick likes to tip a brew back doesn’t mean she’s a slutbag!
After daydreaming about running to the liquor store to grab a case of beer and rebel against everything that is “slutty-because-I-like-a-Summer-Shandy-every once-and-a-while,” I came across the monthly relationship/sex article. My personal fave, because, well, I’m a beer-drinking slut.
This particular  article was for all of the guys out there with a one year relationship under their ice pack six-packs belts. And lucky for all the tied-down dudes, Maxim has a ‘The First Year Euphemism Guide: Expressions To See You Through The First Year With Your Special Girl‘ for their reading (and hopefully not applying) pleasure. I don’t understand why they aren’t explaining the stuff the GFs say here (don’t the guys already know why they’re saying what they’re saying?), but whatever. I’ll take it. Now let’s begin.
Maxim Says: “Need to go and clean my mom’s basement!” You can’t stand one of her friends and will do anything to avoid dinner with her crushingly dull boyfriend.
Brittany Says:
If this phrase is supposed to boomerang back to the dude’s girlfriend as a undercover hit to her girlfriend, then this is good – real good. But if this is supposed to cover up the fact that you would rather go snort mothballs in your mom’s basement than mock some loser boyfriend, this is pure stupidity. I mean, it’s dinner. Grow some balls and man up, baby.
Maxim Says: “Going upstairs to change the color ink cartridge in the printer!” Rubbing one out over pics of her sister on Facebook.
Brittany Says:
Don’t bring Epson Multipack into this dirty business. Besides, you’re not fooling anyone, bro – there isn’t any “re-filling” going on in your world. Besides, how long does it take the average Joe to change a color ink cartridge? One minute? If you’re back in 60 seconds, we’ve got bigger issues on our hands.
Maxim Says: “Morning cuddle.” You’ve just woken up with an erection.
Brittany Says:
I love me a good cuddle sesh, but a cuddle with a bonus distribution at five in the morning….? 99% of the time, I’m not gonna help you take care of that and 100% of the time, I don’t want to fall back asleep getting poked by a cattle prod.
Maxim Says: “You look comfortable.” She only ever wears sweatpants and your T-shirts anymore.
Brittany Says:
Ohh, pshh. Go change the ink cartridge and get over it.
Wanna see what other absurdities your bros are reading? Get more of Maxim’s goodness right here.

Candy Dish: Get Insane!
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