I Have a Love/Hate Relationship With the Pill


Everyone knows that sex without a condom is better than with that thin latex lining. According to guys it “feels amazing” and is “probably the best thing on earth.” (Clearly, guys have never tried dipping pretzels into frosting….) But we also know that no matter how good it is, it isn’t good enough to risk getting pregnant and spending our days playing peek-a-boo instead of beer pong.

Enter the birth control pill.

Seems like the perfect fix. 99.9% effective (when taken correctly, ladies) and no annoying de-sensitizing barrier to get in the way of some good old fashioned sex. It is probably the best thing to be invented since the wheel (though I would argue the Oh-My-Bod is totally up there), so it always comes as a huge surprise to people when I say that I really truly hate taking the pill.

“WHAT? WHY? HOW??!” you ask. Here are my top 10 reasons:

1. Cravings: For the first few months that I was on the pill I felt like I was pregnant. All I wanted was cake, donuts, pickles and peanut butter (not together…always). I would attempt to stick to the diet – due to #2 – but it was hard to chow down on a salad when what I really wanted was an entire large pizza and a chocolate milkshake. And when I refused to give in, I would find myself dealing with a major #3.

2. Weight Gain: I gained 4 pounds in my first three weeks back on the pill. That is more weight per week than I gained my freshman year and at least then I had a built-in excuse. Now I find myself on the pill to avoid pregnancy, but instead end up looking pregnant. And nothing says “let’s have sex without a condom” like a big, fat belly.

3. Mood Swings: Ever see the movie Music and Lyrics? A cheesy, stupid, predictable romantic comedy. Unless, of course, you are me on the Pill and you find yourself sobbing uncontrollably towards the end when they finally get together. And then you go home and cry yourself to sleep because your TiVo cut off the end of American Idol and you have no idea who got cut.

4. My Stomach: See #2.

5. My Ass: See #2 and multiply it by two. That thing is getting huge!

6. My Thighs: Ditto.

7. The Money: I use the generic version of my pill to keep costs down, but it is still $15 bucks a month (and much higher for many students). And my man doesn’t have to pay a thing. Sometimes he feels bad about this and buys me candy to make up for it. Which, as you can imagine, only further adds to #2, 4, 5 and 6.

8. Pain: You know how your boobs get all sore about a week before your period? I feel that daily. All the time. Even when I’m wearing two sports bras on the treadmill. I want to cut them off.

9. My Ass: It really got huge.

10. My Thighs: They had to grow to support the giant ass that is perched so nicely above them.

I won’t stop taking the pill – mostly because I am deathly afraid of becoming a mom – but I have to hope that there is a better option out there, preferably one that doesn’t involve needles or procedures. Something has to give…I just hope it’s not the seam in my pants.

I always keep brownies in my purse. Right next to my flask. And a pack of orange mint Orbit.
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