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He Said/She Said: Birthday Blowouts


[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

I remember the first time my mind was totally blown. One of my guy friends was turning 21 (which I only realized thanks to Facebook), the first of our group to reach such a milestone, and I was shakin’ in my Havaianas with excitement.

“Who’s making the birthday cake?” I asked.

He stared at me. For a long time. Like, uncomfortably long. I stared at my feet. God, I needed a pedicure.

“Cake?” He asked.

“Yes, cake. It’s your birthday party! Hello! There’s gotta be cake and a pre-party playlist and some fun accessory for you to wear. Oh, and where’s my Facebook invite to dinner? Wait, am I not invited to dinner?”

More silence.

“Dinner?” He asked.

And that’s when I learned that the biggest difference between men and women is not how often they masturbate or what they talk about with their friends, it’s birthday parties. As in, guys don’t really have them. At least not in any special sort of way. For guys, a birthday celebration consists of drinking beer and taking shots with their friends. Sorta like any other day of the week. The only difference is their bros are buying the shots this time (if they’re lucky) and instead of cheersing to bitches and babes, they’re cheersing to so and so’s big birthday.

And if it’s a good birthday, they get a blow job.
And if it’s a really good birthday, they get another blow job in the morning.

It’s weird, but that makes me sad. I mean, everyone deserves to be the center of attention once in awhile and for many of us, the day our moms pushed us out of their hoo-hahs is the only chance we get. Why don’t guys want to milk that for all it’s worth and get some tasty cake and a free dinner out of it?

Yeah, some girls take things too far (No, you don’t get free sh*t for the entire month of March just because your birthday falls somewhere in there, brat!), but there’s something to be said about all the pomp and circumstance. It’s a reason to buy something new and expensive that you wouldn’t normally indulge in! To get dressed up! And wear a crown! And have a pre-party with all your favorite jams on the playlist! (Because no one ever lets you play “All I Want for Christmas,” dammit!) And have all your BFFs and Facebook friends and pretty much anyone who comes in contact with you, celebrate YOU… and buy you a crapload of drinks.

Why wouldn’t guys want that?

Maybe guys have been so busy gettin’ it on with a bottle of moisturizer that they haven’t caught on to the glory that is the birthday party. Or, just as likely, it’s not “cool” and “bro” to want some big ass party in your honor. And that’s unfortunate, because there’s nothing better than a giant piece of birthday cake after a long night of (free) drinking.

Not even a birthday blow job.

Though, I’m sure our resident male will disagree. Let’s see what he has to say about birthday shenanigans.

    When my mom moved me into my dorm freshman year she left me $65 to buy a humidifier. I took that money and bought a pair of heels because I can sleep without damp air blowing in my face, but I can't rock a humidifier with a hot black mini.