Tuffy Luv Says He Doesn't Want A Relationship

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Dear Tuffy Luv,

I apologize in advance for this being long and probably confusing. Okay. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a couple months, and it’s really great. We’ve always had a long distance relationship;  a couple weeks after we started dating, he moved 5 hours away for an internship. It was okay, he came back once a month and stayed at my house during those weekends (I still live with my parents). This internship lasted four months, and about halfway through I spent a week there with him. At the end of the week, I told him I loved him. He said it back, and it was cute and good and happy. Things seriously took a turn for the worse, though. He grew distant, I confronted him, and he confessed that he didn’t really love me. I was absolutely distraught, broken. But I truly did appreciate his honestly (even though it was a couple months late) and we worked through it. He moved back home soon after and things got really good again. We were still long distance though, he lives at school about an hour and a half away, but he still visited every weekend.
At one point during winter, he was checking his email. I noticed a folder called “Sarah.” I knew he had met a girl online named Sarah when he was in high school, and I figured it was just emails exchanged, whatever. I made a comment, half passive-aggressively, like, “Oh, why don’t I have MY own folder?” and that was that. But during Christmas break, while he was staying with me for the better part of three weeks, he left his laptop logged on at my house while going to his dad’s. I just had to look! I opened the Sarah folder, and there were three emails from her during our relationship, all of which included pictures. One was of her breasts, one was her in a bra, and one was her wearing a bra and an ugly blue blazer. The last one, I saw he responded by telling her she looked “cuter than ever” and to “feel free to send more.” I called and made him come home, and we sat on my bed for hours talking and not talking. He cried. I cried. He told me that it wasn’t an “I’m going against my girlfriend’s back!” kind of thing, that this girl had been sending him pictures for years and he had grown used to it. I do believe him, maybe that’s naive of me, but whatever. I had no idea what I was going to do, though. See, since before he began dating he had plans to go to another country for 6 months for another internship, and this was set to happen in March, and he’d never stated he wanted to continue dating.
When we discussed the pictures, I brought up that maybe we should just break up because of what happened and the fact he was leaving, and he did tell me he wanted to continue our relationship while in Germany. I truly believe he was feeling regretful about what he did, so we stayed together. (He’s NOT an emotional guy; crying as he tells me “you and your family have been more of a family than mine ever has” had a strong impact.) I made it clear that I did not trust him anymore, and he understood that. Was that dumb of me to stay with him despite not trusting him? I knew I would eventually get that trust back, and I really do love him. I wanted to work everything out, not just give up. Because, you know, what if?
So, about a month ago he left for Germany. It was sad, and I bet our tearful goodbye at the airport broke the hearts of onlookers all around. The problem is, I’ve grown to be very…difficult. Not just towards him, but my family as well. I’ve started lashing out, blowing up tiny problems into big, explosive arguments. I’ve become jealous again, uncertain, and I’m not sure I have any reason to be. Part of me believes he would never do anything wrong while out of the country, but a nagging voice is telling me how stupid I am. I’m not sure if that voice is logic, or if it’s just my insecurities. I am absolutely enjoying more Me time and time with friends and family, and I miss him very much. I just don’t know if I made a huge mistake forgiving him, believing him, and staying with him while he’s out of the country. I know I would be perfectly okay without him, eventually, but the idea that it may not be “meant to be” is so upsetting. I really love this guy, and everything fits so perfectly except my jealousy and insecurity issues. I know if he were here it would be completely different and there would be no problems, and I know we have potential to get right back to good when he returns. But I’m not sure if it’s worth staying in the relationship to find out.
Thanks,
Uncertain girl who cannot come up with a clever signature name
Dear Ugwccuwacsn,
Boy are YOU wasting your time.
Okay, first of all, can I just say, what the floop?! You KNOW this guy has not been honest with you. You KNOW he won’t be honest with you in the future. Why are you trying to force yourself to believe this is a good relationship?!
As far as I can tell, kid’s never made a real effort to be in the same place as you at the same time. WARNING SIGN.
More importantly, HE TOLD YOU HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
Girl. Really. Why are you putting yourself in this position? Don’t you want to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you? I think you’re right that your problem is insecurity. But the trouble is manifesting itself NOT as a relationship killer but rather as a total soul-sucker. This is why you’re getting all up in everyone’s faces. The toxic energy from this “relationship” is making you miserable.
Why do I put “relationship” in quotes, you ask angrily? I’ll tell you why I put “relationship” in quotes, Ugwccuwacsn. He’s made it pretty clear that you’re just there to pass the time. I mean, what does the guy have to do, move to Germany?! …Oh wait.
Yeah, yeah, he told you he loves you. On email. After you caught him cheating. BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO WEASEL OUT OF TROUBLE. Does-not-compute.
I know this response may seem harsh. But I really feel a duty, as your friendly neighborhood advice columnist, to wake you the floop up. I mean, if we were in the same room, I’d shake you till your boogs fell out. But we’re not, so here go I, saying to you, and all the other readers with similar situations, that you do NOT need to be in a relationship with someone who so CLEARLY does not appreciate you.
He’s taken you for granted at every step. I’m sure you have many excellent attributes; why doesn’t he appreciate them? And he doesn’t. Because when you appreciate and care about someone, you don’t accept pictures from other girls, you try to make plans to be near them, and you certainly don’t tell them you don’t love them only to take it back later to use as leverage. I’m sure he’s not a bad person, but he IS a bad boyfriend. At the very least, he is a bad boyfriend TO YOU.
So get rid of him and stop wasting your time. Go meet people, and maybe then one person, who make you happy.
Also, stop snapping at your family and friends. It’s not their fault you’re with a clown.
And as for Sarah? Well, I think you should send her flowers. After all, it’s because of her you even began to realize what a scumbag your boyfriend is. If not for her boobies and ugly blazer, you’d still be paying for long-distance calls to Germany.
Forget your ridiculous “what if.” He’s shown you “why not.” Dump the fool.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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The Weekly Ten: Bad Boy Behavior
The Weekly Ten: Bad Boy Behavior
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