We let orgasms have too much power. If we don’t have them, we stress ourselves out and having one starts to seem like a chore instead of a pleasure. If our partners don’t have them, we start second-guessing our sexy talents. And if our partners (particularly the ones of the male variety) have one too soon, they’re basically devalued as being viable, legitimate sexual partners.
How depressing and thoroughly unnecessary. That said, there are ways to overcome these perceived snafus to create a much more relaxing, less pressure-filled sex life.
When you can’t orgasm with your partner.
It’s completely normal to not be able to orgasm during intercourse. Most women require clitoral stimulation, which intercourse alone can’t provide, so encourage your partner to use their hands more. If you find that it takes you longer to orgasm with a partner than it does when you masturbate, that is totally fine. When you’re alone and doing your own thing, you are relaxed. You have complete trust in yourself, and there is a lot less pressure than when you’re with a partner. Anxiety, whether it’s obvious or buried subconsciously, has an effect on your ability to orgasm. Being able to totally let go with someone else takes time. Talk to your partner about it and make sure you’re both on the same page. Remind them that they are great and it’s not their fault and try to impress upon them that you love what they do. That will go a long way in diffusing any tension that could build up.
When you can’t orgasm alone.
Orgasms are a delicate balance of mental and physical. You have to be in a relaxed enough mental space while making sure your pelvic muscles are tense enough (Kegels are perfect for this). The best time to “practice” achieving orgasm is to go solo. If despite your best efforts to orgasm, you can’t, you may have to see your gyno or your general practitioner — your birth control or your antidepressants could be responsible for inhibiting your orgasms.
When your partner can’t orgasm.
This can be a confidence-crushing situation, but it doesn’t have to be. Ask for honest feedback. Maybe your partner has really specific needs that you wouldn’t necessarily know how to fill. It’s also possible that your partner could be taking medications that interfere with their sex drive. Don’t put any pressure on your partner to orgasm and try not to take it personally, because most likely, it has nothing to do you. All you can do is support your partner and help them feel as relaxed and comfortable as possible.
When your partner orgasms too quickly.
There are a ton of tricks for guys to try when they consistently come too soon — like masturbating before sex and thinking of random unsexy things. There’s also the “stop-start” method, where you stimulate the guy to the point where he’s almost about to orgasm – and then stop. Doing this over time trains the penis to delay ejaculating. This can be a fun, teasing game when you’re giving him a handjob or oral. And once again, try to make your boy as calm as possible. His nerves could be totally getting the best of him, and making sure he knows that you’re not judging him can go a long way in alleviating his stress.
Ultimately, though, orgasms are not that big a deal. Of course they are awesome to have, and it can be fun learning new ways to get yourself off, but at the same time, it’s definitely not the end of the world if you or your partner don’t have one. Sex isn’t an all or nothing situation. It’s one scenario where the journey can easily be just as amazing as the destination.