Maxim Says the Darndest Things: June Edition

I woke up in a full on hot sweat last night and I’m 50% sure it’s because my new Maxim Hot 100 June edition was sitting triumphantly next to my bed. I’m going to dedicate that other 50% to the fact that the temps have been sweltering outside.  Geez, Maxim really knows how to drop it like it’s hot. Get it? Drop a magazine issue like it’s . . .hot. . .outside. . ? Ok, moving on.

Either way, Maxim really knew how to throw my emotions off kilter when dedicating an entire page to donuts for ‘Donut Day’ (which happened to be June 3rd, if you were blissfully unaware). My theory is that donuts are good for you because they are mostly air. Man, I need to go on a diet.

A few articles later, Maxim decided to help the unemployment rate by hiring a ‘Maxim office assistant’ and taking photos of her licking envelopes and dropping off mail in her underwear. You aren’t helping the unemployment rate, Maxim. I’m seriously considering quitting my job so I can pass my dictation test in my booty shorts.

After paging through a motorcycle gallery and a “Girl With a Tool” aka straddling a lawn mower (ummm, dangerous?) I came across another article where a lubed up chick biting her finger claims she loves pasta and meat balls for dinner! I’m over it. I hate spaghetti and meatballs – and yet I’m still putting on my jeans laying down. One of my favorite articles was called ‘Maxim’s Rules for the Grill’ (especially since I can barely cook a kabob without burning down the entire city). What did I learn, you ask? Basically, grilling is all about chilling. If you remember anything ladies, remember this. There is no drama at the grill. Lots of beer. Meat only. And (my personal favorite): “Fat equals flavor, both in grilling and love making. That’s what I’ve been telling my wife anyway.”

Tisk, tisk, Maxim. Tisk, tisk.

Finally, after reading about how Cameron Diaz thinks the word ‘sex’ is the sexiest word out there (woah, original – I think ugly is the ugliest word out there), I came across the token Maxim sex article daringly called, ‘Enter At Your Own Risk.’ The main focus for naughty advice this month?  Getting with the one woman you want most- the one you absolutely should not. Hope you brought your wet naps because things are about to get dirty.

Maxim Says: Your roommate. Adjust to her schedule so you can bond. Does she wake up at seven to do yoga? Get up and make coffee. She likes to watch American Idol? Make it your new show.

Brittany Says: Or, don’t bust your balls to hang out with someone you live with. Getting with someone shouldn’t be such a science if you breathe the same room oxygen as her every day. Yikes.

Maxim Says: Your intern. Make her feel like one of the gang. Invite her out with more established colleagues and give her legit work to do.

Brittany Says: Sigh, so much I could say about this but I’ll stick to simplistic and sweet. When Maxim says work to do, they really mean sending her back and forth to the printer to see that business suit from behind. According to the unemployment rate though, she’s apparently licking envelopes in her under panties. Someone deserves a promotion!

Maxim Says: The Out-of-Your-League Crush. Give her the right kind of attention. When other dudes dote, be casual. If they treat her like a trophy, act like you’re on the same level. She’ll find it refreshing.

Brittany Says: Pshh, treat her like a trophy just like the rest of ’em bro. She probably deserves it.

Maxim Says: Your best friend’s ex. When women go through a break up, they love nothing more than talking about it. He was selfish? You love giving foot rubs! Play his opposite and you’ll be the new boy in her bed in no time.

Brittany Says: Do guys really do this? I mean, after all of those games of Socom, chugging Coors together and pounding Jimmy Johns sandwiches while gazing into each others eyes…do they really sacrifice THAT connection for…sex with a totally off-limits chick?  Who am I kidding? That probably sounds a helluva lot better than squirting mayo on their BBF’s Play Station controller.

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