Tuffy Luv Cuts Speed Bumps

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Kvetchtion?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months (Yeah not long, and I have problems ALREADY!?)
Anyway. I just recently found out he’s been messaging his ex the whole time we’ve been together! But that’s not the best part, SHE HAS A BF TOO!
Here’s the DL. Her boyfriend messaged me, and told me he saw her inbox messages from him. He said things like he loved her and missed her, and she was responding that she still loved him and wished she were in his arms.

Needless to say I was DEVASTATED when I read her boyfriends message, but not wanting to jump to conclusions I texted my bf and said I needed to ask him a question face to face. Then I proceeded to write the other gf in this situation and asked if she had cheated on her bf with my bf. My boyfriend and I met up and I, not wanting to beat around the bush, straight out asked him if it were true.

He of course denied it, but after about an hour of talking about what her boyfriend had told me he admitted he had been writing her. He admitted he’s still in love with her and what not, and it really broke my heart. Well later that day his ex, the girl with the bf/other woman in my relationship, wrote me and said “Yes before you two got together I cheated on my bf with him.” (My thought: *BEYOOOTCH* ). I told my boyfriend what she said, and he was upset. I asked him to stop writing her the day I found out about their conversation and he got SUPER pissed at me!

Anyway, needless to say my boyfriend and I are working on things (as are the ex and her boyfriend). The thing is, I think about him writing her all the time and it makes me depressed. It makes me cry and wonder if he’s in it 100%. He says he’s in it 100% and that his feelings for her were wrong, and that he feels stronger about me than he realized, but I’m wondering if that’s all an excuse ’cause he found out she’s kind of a slut.

Am I wrong for asking? Am I wrong for constantly thinking that they’re still talking behind my back? He doesn’t think it was cheating, but to me it’s emotional cheating. Is that stupid? I want to trust him and get over this speed bump but it’s killing me inside.

Help!!!

Forever reading,
Emotionally Drained

Dear Emotionally Drained,

Girl, your feelings are your feelings. What can you do?

Your entirely different views on infidelity make lil’ ol’ Tuffy think that maybe you two aren’t a match. To him, telling some other girl he loves her when he’s with you isn’t cheating. Oh, okay.

I agree with you on that point for sure, ED. What I want to know is, why do you want to be with someone who’s already so undeserving of your trust?! You KNOW it’s emotional cheating. He’s trying to make you doubt your feelings because, frankly, he wants to have his cake and eat it and not gain all that weight too, but I don’t think you should let him.

If he wants Other Chick, let ‘im have her. It’s only been 4 months with youse guys. To be honest, if he’s already so shady, imagine what he’ll be like once the honeymoon period is over.

Okay, let’s be fair. Maybe he was just being immature. After all, he didn’t do anything physical with her. Maybe he just likes the attention. Maybe after being with you for a while, he’ll realize how good he has it and how much he cares about you and he’ll stop being a tool.

But, honestly, I doubt it.

I don’t want to hurt your heart, but it sounds to me like you’re a rebound. He was still into this girl when you started dating, and apparently he’s still into her now. They probably have some history that’s making it hard for him to let go, and, since she’s still cool with emailing him, I’m guessing she is too.

Here’s what I don’t like. I don’t like you calling her a slut. They both were emotionally unfaithful. She may have cheated on her current boyfriend, but you don’t know if your guy might have done something similar (wouldn’t be surprised). They obviously have strong feelings for each other. Personally, you know, Tuffy HATES cheaters, so I’d love to see them both get pooed on, but I don’t think it’s fair to call HER a slut just because she’s the other girl. If you call her a slut, call him a flooping slut too.

But back to reality, yes? Okay.

Probs a good idea to break up with this guy. It’s only been 4 months. You’re not gonna have a hard time moving on. And it’s been so drama-filled from the start, I doubt you can get back to zero. Your resentment is just gonna mount. And, I mean, I’d be suspicious too!! How could you not?! He was totally not upfront with you.

Sometimes a speed bump causes accidents. You really want to spend all this time trying to forgive him when you still think he might not be over her?!

Don’t waste time being mad. He didn’t do anything terrible; he’s just not worth the aggravation. Nothing personal to him. I’d advise Other Chick’s Boyfriend to do the same with her.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

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