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The Bachelorette: Either “Mission F*cking Accomplished” or 10 Reasons to NOT Date Ashley H.

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Before I go into the boring details of the past week in Ashley Hebert’s life, let me start off with this: Bentley came back to re-dump Ashley on a canary yellow couch. And let me tell you, it is worth watching again, and again and again. Especially the part when Ashley says, “So this is our period. Be a man and admit that it’s a period. Put it there.” …yes they referred to their, wait for it, “relationship” in punctuations.

Other than that exciting 20 minute reality t.v. break up, the rest of the hour and 40 minute show was just one dull date after another. Well, with the exception of Constantine and Ben F. dressing up in red robes chanting “idiot” in Chinese  while losing in a dragon boat race.  Other important details you ask? Lucas and JP both got one-on-one dates, apparently JP’s name is Jordan Paul (what?!), Mickey left (literally peaced out before the rose ceremony) and Ash sent Blake home. I’m not going to lie to you, I was kind of excited to see the awkward dentist go home after he cornered Ashley during the cocktail party and attacked her for falling for Bentley. (Yes, I know I do that every week…but I’m not trying to date her.)

Leading me to the real meat of this episode:  Oh wow, you’re in a short dress and crying again…or 10 reasons to not date Ashley.

Cries…all the time: In basically every episode she has cried. These aren’t tears of joy, these are sobs with a word between each huff of breath she can manage to squeak out. Look, I realize being on a reality t.v. show is stressful, and having people pay for you to travel around the world is complicated…but come on! Suck it up for at least ONE episode!

Lacks balls:  Why do the guys have to decide whether they stay or leave? Pretty sure that’s your job Ash. I mean you do have the roses and a brain to decide if someone is stringing you along and messing with your head. Oh wait a second…

She’s not Emily…just kidding (that was for you Bentley)

Dangerous Dater: ( i.e. potentially getting a concussion and not getting any love for it) Dating Ashley is a dangerous sport emotionally, but as this season is showing it’s also a risk physically. Who chooses boxing as a date activity? Not to mention a boxing match where you have to beat another guy..not even Ashley!

Still hung up on Bentley: She claims she is over him…but still can not stop talking about him, crying over him, thinking about him. DUDE, you knew him for two weeks.

Bangs of Sadness: Girlfriend needs to get rid of those things ASAP!

Compares relationships to different punctuations: 30 minutes of my life was wasted listening to her and Bentley debate over whether their relationship was an ellipses or a period. Or they could’ve just realized that they weren’t ever in a relationship to begin with. Oh Ash, I really think you just need a hug.

Selfish (her words not mine):  She said it herself during the rose ceremony. The she was selfish for telling the guys all about her mad mad love for Bentley.

Needy: “Come close to me, Hug me, Love me”…blah blah blah

She talks to her dog in a voice the rivals the annoyingness of the Nanny and Gilbert Godfrey combined : ’nuff said.

Next stop the hidden jewel of Asia, Taiwan.  What we’re looking forward to:  Giant lanterns, slow Taiwan dancing, and no more Bentley!

So Ladies (and Gentleman) what did you think? Did Bentley and Ashley’s punctuation make you want to pull out your hair? Do you think Ames’ is an awkwardly loud kisser too?  And just how stinkin’ cute is JP?!

COLLEGECANDY Writer
Starbucks is my religion and Seventeen is my bible.