Swiping the V-Card

It’s been hailed as the holy grail of sex: the v-card. Taking someone’s virginity has historically been a much-sought after sexual experience (this is going as far back as Medieval times). The thought of a pure, untouched individual succumbing to your sexual prowess…well, I can see the appeal. However, the build-up in media and society certainly falls short in reality. I should know – I’ve swiped more than my fair share of v-cards.

Remember your first time? It was awkward, sweaty, clumsy, painful and a basic nightmare (at least mine was…). You wonder, why was I so pumped for this? What was everyone hyping about? Then you have some more sex and it gets better. Much better.

Let me tell you – having sex with a virgin is like having sex for the first time…again. Especially if your partner failed to inform you of his v-status. Yeah, it’s personal information, but if you’re about to have sex with someone I think you’re probably past formalities.

So let’s run down the list:

Awkward? Check. You can’t figure out if he’s just terrible at everything, too drunk to function (in some cases), or is actually a virgin. Do you call him out on it? Do you just roll with the situation and hope it gets better? All of these questions are running through your mind, thankfully distracting you from the person fumbling about with your happy bits.

Sweaty? Check. He’s sweating because he’s nervous and inexperienced (And probably a healthy amount of his sweat is on you as well). You’re sweating because if homeboy is not familiar with your lady parts, things could go seriously wrong pretty quickly.

Clumsy? Check. The bra itself can take up to 5 minutes for someone not familiar with either back or front clasp operations. There can be accidental pinching, kicking, biting, head-knocking and tripping. In my experience, there is no other type of sex to have with a virgin other than clumsy sex.

Painful? Check. For him…probably not. For you? Oh yeah. Sexual positions are basically out the window (unless you saddle up and get on top), so you’re left laying there quietly wondering when he’s going to figure out what goes where. No, not those parts (even virgins can figure that out). But legs, arms, hands? Those can be forgotten in the rush and therefore are flopping here and there, willy nilly. And don’t forget about knees, elbows and hipbones. Those suckers hurt.

Nightmare? Check. Unless you studied education and have the patience of a saint, training a virgin is hard work. The payoff can be negligible and it takes forever to get there. However…if you’re one of those special people who made a connection and decided to wait for marriage (or another significant milestone), then the reward will come and it will be worth the wait. You always remember your first time and your first partner; it’s a connection that will stay with you and, if you’re in a long-term relationship with this person, will bring you closer together.

If you’re not in a long-term relationship…then at least you have a story to tell to your friends the next day. And I’ll definitely buy you a drink to commiserate if I ever run into you.

  • 10614935101348454