Ask A Dude: I’ve Never Been Kissed

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Hey Dude,

I’m an incoming freshman with a really embarrassing secret. I still haven’t had my first kiss. Now, before you start thinking that it’s because I’m socially inept or totally ugly, let me explain. I went to an all girls high school and while many people might think this means I can’t talk to guys, the truth is I’m pretty good at it. I’ve had my fair share of crushes and almost-boyfriends but I’ve still never been kissed. I think this has to do with the fact that I’m way past the average age for such a thing to happen so part of me wants to look for someone special to share my first kiss with, if that makes any sense. Basically I mean that, for a thirteen-year-old (which is probably around the average age for a first kiss), a first kiss is really special. So, as an eighteen-year-old lip virgin, I still hold on to this feeling that my first kiss should be special, too. I’ve been to parties where I’ve danced with guys and almost hooked up with them, but then at the last moment I think “wait, I don’t even know this guy’s name, he’ll totally be able to tell that I’ve never done this before, and do I really want my first kiss to be while I’m drunk and he probably won’t even remember?” I’m conflicted because while I want to just get my first kiss over with so I can enjoy randomly hooking up in college, part of me still wants my first kiss to be special. Every day I flip back and forth between these two options.

So, I have a few worries that you may be able to help me out with: 1- Do I throw out my morals and kiss the guy I just met or do I wait it out for someone special? 2- What if the guy can tell it’s my first kiss? 3- Considering I told you I haven’t had my first kiss, you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t had any “sexual encounters” with any guys…will college guys think I’m weird because of this? 4- I’m also worried that if I do just give in and hook up with some random guy, I’ll feel something more for him (because it was my first kiss) and he won’t think anything of it.

I really need your help, Dude.

Thanks,

Never Been Kissed

Dear Never Been Kissed,

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:

“4- I’m also worried that if I do just give in and hook up with some random guy, I’ll feel something more for him (because it was my first kiss) and he won’t think anything of it.”

The act of kissing, or most sexual acts, rarely actually cause you to create feelings for someone that you didn’t already have some inkling of in the first place. Sometimes having sex or kissing a guy can embellish or amplify or exaggerate those feelings, be they of happiness or hate, rejoice or regret or anything else lingering underneath your motivations, be they horniness or desperation or love or…

This sounds more like a fear of the unknown than anything you need to be rationally worried about. You don’t just fall for someone because you kiss him. You fall for him because the kiss was FU*KING FANTASTIC! Or you already liked him before you kissed him. Or you regret it because you built it up to be something big that it actually isn’t. Which you might be doing.

Kissing someone doesn’t drastically change who you are, neither does having sex, in general. It’s not like you’ll regenerate into the twelfth doctor. You’ll still be you, having done something that you’ll have a reaction to that can range anywhere from indifference to repression. You just don’t know until you do it so you can’t POSSIBLY know what’ll happen until it happens. You don’t have the experience yet to judge the situation objectively. And that’s fine. That’s part of the fear. That’s part of the excitement. First you’ll have to determine what you think about it before dealing with whatever he thinks about it. However, for the posterity of postulating, if you randomly hook-up with a random guy, he may think “Nice!”, “She’s into me!”, “Great fu*king night,” “How far can I get?”, “What am I doing??!?! I already have a girlfriend,” or the ever popular “…” What he thinks depends on him, the context of the kiss, and what kind of guy he is. Which might also depend on his sobriety level, and a million other variables you can’t control so don’t bother trying to.

“3- Considering I told you I haven’t had my first kiss, you’ve probably already realized that I haven’t had any “sexual encounters” with any guys…will college guys think I’m weird because of this?”

Probably not. Lots of college guys aren’t as experienced as they want you to think. The ones who are experienced and use it as some kind of “cool currency” are morons. And the rest might need a second to process you’re more inexperienced but won’t care.

If he likes you, then he REALLY won’t think you’re weird because of it. The person who’s judging you about your lack of experience right now is you. Is it a positive or negative judgment? That’s for you to know and me to never know unless you write in again.

“2- What if the guy can tell it’s my first kiss?”

Guys can’t tell that. They can’t even tell if they’re good kissers. That’s fear talking, pointless, self-sabotaging fear that you don’t need to keep indulging in. Recognize it, accept you’re feeling it (don’t judge yourself for feeling it), and then do your best to let it go. Next time you get scared or nervous about it, repeat the process.

“1-Do I throw out my morals and kiss the guy I just met or do I wait it out for someone special?”

Throwing out morals is usually something you regret. Changing what your morals are, well, that’s something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. But if you feel like you would be violating your sense of self by just getting it out of the way with a random guy, then of course don’t do it. My job isn’t to convert you to one way of thinking or another, especially not mine. What I want to do here is make sure you feel comfortable making your decision according to what matters to YOU. If it matters to you who you’re first kiss is with, then make it count.

A first and a last of anything is usually something you remember. Sometimes you remember it as something that changed your life, sometimes you remember it as being something you thought would change your life but you laugh at how naive you were to think that in the first place.

My first kiss was awful, for her more than for me…maybe. It was a peck because I was too scared to linger on her lips any longer for fear she’d think I was terrible at kissing and, you know, stop liking me. The next kiss was better…I’d built that first kiss up to be something that would suddenly change everything that I thought made me a loser. I was wrong. It was just a kiss. I look back on it, roll my eyes at what I was like at that point in my life, and I don’t regret it a bit. She wasn’t the love of my life, she wasn’t someone I was with long-term, nor was she a random hook-up. She was just the first girl I ever kissed…Plus, don’t forget, he might be a terrible kisser, so don’t put all the pressure on yourself!

My best advice is this: don’t lick his teeth, be mindful of teeth contact in general, don’t rely on your tongue to do all the work-you’ve got lips, too-and keep in mind that it’s just the first of many kisses to come. You’ll change as a kisser, same as you change as you get older. Keep some perspective.

*Mwuah*

The Dude

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